A letter from May 18, 2023

Dear Hannah, Im u from 2023 may 17th. I just turned 15. Rn i have a d in pe, a f in english, a f in orchestra, a d in algebra 1, a c in history, and a d in bio. I kinda ****** up 🤷 oopsies. Mb for ******* up ur life. I was just kinda lazy and didnt wanna do anything also kinda depressed but that doesnt change my grade so it doesnt matter. Rn i have first period pe and at first i kinda hated ms chandler and nothing changed i still cant stand her. I met fiyana but she switched periods so u might not remember her. I met ella (the 1 with red hair), emma 😍, angilena, frithicka (i actually dont know how to spell her name), bri, and alysa was in that class to and so was nathan (the emo 1). I also met damia but we didnt rlly become friends we just kinda knew each other. OH OH and there was also catherine, she called me pretty and she was also kinda rlly pretty so yeah. Also danny just showed up there this morning but i thought he was expelled (???) so idk y hes back. Then ******* non or however tf u spell his name but UGH he pissed me off so much. Like just the sight of him made me wanna die. Then also camron, he called me a ***, hes ugly, mfr got a buzz cut, was mean to sylah too so im not tryna say anything but i wouldnt care if smthing happened to him iykyk. I have english for second period and OH MY GOD i hate that class sm like its so dumb for me to even be there. At first i sat at a table group with joe sitting next to me on my left and denise on my other side then i met amara and isaiah and uhhhhhh i forgot his name but hes jasmines brother idk i just tried to think rlly hard to remember but i cant. I hope i never remember him tho cuz he pissed me off. We did the first project together for book club and i kinda did most of the project building stuff but i didnt really read the book so i cant complain. Oh and danny was in that class too in the beginning of the year b4 his dumbass got expelled. OH and aleena was at my table too but i kinda had some beef with her for no reason at all and i kinda started it so yeah. Then the first chance we got to change tables i did and now im sitting with rose and sage 🤮 and alex and denise came with me there too oh and ava sits there next to me. Oh now that i think abt it i was sitting there in the beginning of the year with rose and lilly and 2 other people but i forgot who they were so yeah i kinda hated it there. Also ******* ryry star sat at another table and she was so ******* loud for no reason at all and the would always talk abt being obese but she was skinny as **** like i would pay to look like her but aso not rlly bc her ******* ness has made her ugly 🤢 so i take it back. OH MY GOD i hate my third period. Its orchestra which i rlly didnt wanna take but mom made me so im still salty abt that. There's this ***** who sits next to me, jasmine, and she hates me for no reason at all and does the littles things to inconvenience me however she can like bring me the metal stand that doesnt get taller so i can see or does me a “favor” by bringing my violin for me but brining the wrong one on purpose also give me dirty looks whenever i open my mouth idk y tho she just feels like it ig also her bsf pia pisses me off too bc she literally says “LOL” outloud like not spell out “el oh el” she pronounces it in a comically deep voice and it rlly bothers me. In the cello section theres isaiah, opolo, shilo, kyle, parsa, and some other people and istg they're future predators cuz they're all like super seniors talking abt some freshmans *** like gurl, ur like 19, wyd 🤨???? Then there's nester in violas and he gives me a fistbump every day and he's cool but apparently he was nicknamed “nester the molester” last year and no one is tell me me y so idk what's going on there. Theres also sam whose kinda annoying but he seems to be the only other person in this class who hates the class so yeah. Theres also frithica i dont think i spelt that right but shes rlly cool shes also the same person i met in pe so its cool that i have 2 classes with her. In second violins, same group as me, theres gianna who sits infront of me who i didnt start talking to until the second semester but she turned out to be rlly cool and nice but i dont talk to her outside of that class. Next to gianna is maria and i used to talk to her in the beginning of the year bc she was the only other freshman but we dont talk anymore idk what happened. Then behind me is ranjith and he doesnt talk much but i knew him in elementary school. This 1 time in 3rd grade i dropped my cup cake and he licked the frosting off the ground and it was kinda gross but ig im the only 1 who remembers it bc whenever i bring it up he calls me crazy and maybe i am and i just made it up and i forgot that it didnt actually happen but im pretty sure i remember it well but also i mistake daydreaming for actual memories that actually happened so im not sure abt a lot. Then in the beginning of the year, mr t said that if we stay in orchestra we get to go on a field trip to either 6 flags or something like that i cant remember the other one he said but that was the only thing that convinced me to stay in that class bc i cried really hard when my mom said i had to take it bc i rlly rlly rlly rlly hate playing the violin and idk if u still do but as of right now i still hate it. So yeah we have like 2 weeks left of school and we still didnt take that feild trip and it rlly sucked the whole year and when i asked abt it mr t said that we’re gonna take a feild trip next year but im getting home schooled so thats not gonna happen ig. In 4th period i have algebra 1 with sylah. In there i met kt whose actually rlly cool and she came over to my house a buncha times and we became rlly close friends. I also met jackie who i used to hang out with in 6th grade but we stopped talking in quarantine. I also met janelle who had a fattass cruch on in the beginning of the year and i kinda still do but we dont talk abt it. I also helped her get with a guy yesterday so ig thats not happening either but shes still rlly pretty and i sit next to her here. I also met zory and worisha (woreeshuh) and marks and they were kinda cool too. I had a fatass crush on zory im the beginning of the year but that went away and now were friends so yeah i also told her and she was like “yeah a lot of people say that” it was kinda funny. Oh and my teacher is so cool here its mr brinkhus and u better still remember him bc i think he was the best teacher i ever had not cuz he actually taught me cuz im typing this after just getting a 12% on his test which im actually rlly upset abt bc mom is gonna be rlly mad at me when i get home cuz she said, “u better get an a on this or else” so im kinda more than kinda upset. But yeah hes pretty cool cuz he lets us curs in class and actually talks to us in class abt random ****. He also lets us stay in his classroom durring nutrition and lunch and he trusts us not to **** up his class room so thats nice. I kinda hate my 5th period but im supposed to turn this in to my 5th period teacher so idk if im gonna say y or not. Actually i am. In the beginning of the year it was actually pretty nice bc i was sitting next to this rlly rlly rlly rlly and i mean rlly pretty girl named violeta and she was so nice to me so i kinda had a crush on her but we just stayed friends and we sat in the back of the room together so we were kinda far from the teacher so we could talk n **** but i still payed attention bc she would always remind me to look up when i was zoning out or getting distracted on my phone and that was like the only time i got anything better than a c or a d on his tests but she switched her periods so yeah. But i didnt rlly realize how much she protected me from jackasses in that class untill she left bc on the first day that she was gone someone who i wont name threw a crumpled up paper at my head and then someone else who i wont name kicked the back of my chair then someone else who i also wont name called me ugly and said i looked rlly funny so i put my earbuds in and he said something that i couldnt hear but everyone started laughing and i kinda cried a little but no one saw so its ok and the next day i moved my seat twords the front of the classroom next to anaiya and zory so they kinda left me alone since then then but then one time one of them came up to me and asked if he could borrow my light blue pen and i said sure cuz i didnt want him to get mad but when i got it back the pen holder thing was broken and i cried over that bc it was my favorite pen and i worked really hard to keep them from breaking or having anything happen to them but he ******* broke it and i know it was on purpose too cuz i heard him say “look i bent it i wonder if it’ll go any further” and then someone laughing and after i did him a favor too??? Any way the teacher there is cool too but i think he hates me cuz i dont do any of my assignments and im also always late to class but idrc. Oh i also forgot to mention miley. Shes in that class too but she sits pretty far away from us but shes still really nice and pretty. I also really hate my 6th period like a lot. And this time its not the students its the teacher and idk what it is abt him but he kinda hated me from the get go and i didnt even do anything but he always picked on me and even when i went to my counselor to change my class she didnt let me so im still salty abt that but any time the whole class is talking loudly and im just whispering and he goes like “hannah you need to stop talking or else im going to move you again” and it really pisses me off. His voice really pisses me off too cuz its really annoying and irritating. But viyana is there and thats nice. I met a lot of people there like abraham, elizabeth, alexix, victoria, and i knew nathan but we became close there, and kai, susie, kimia, laylonie, diego who im not that close with but ive talked to him aa couple times, the other alexix, lauren and i think thats it but there might be someone else. Any way thats it abt school bu as of now, i already told mom im *** and shes not too happy abt that but i didnt tell her that im not a girl yet and im pretty sure that she didnt tell dad yet bc if she did then id be living with grandma right now or sofias house after being kicked out so yeah glad i still have my own roof over my head. Mom already decided that im gonna be home schooled bc i decided to focus on being able to actually get out of bead in the morning instead of my school work that was totally unnecessary. Oh but i did manage to raise like 2 of my classes from an f to a d and i think one of them to a c so thats good. One of my strengths is that if i actually want to do something, i will get it done and one of my weaknesses is that no matter how hard i try i cant get myself to pay attention to what people are saying or what teachers are saying or to get myself to do school work. The one history unit that stood out to me was the french revolution because its the only one i actually remember and actually understood. I dont have a favorite subject bc i hate em all. This school year i learned that procrastination isn’t gonna get me anywhere at the end even thought stops the work for a really ling wile but itll get right back to you at the end of the year. One adult who really helped me this year was mr denny cuz even though he wasnt one of my teachers, he really helped me through the tough times and let me talk to him about what im feeling and what im going through and offered me really good advice that helped me alot. One of my friends who really helped me this year was sylah. She healped me really well through the tough times and helped me through the confusion i had about myself and always gave honest advice whenever i needed it. She was and still is always there for me and i hope it says that way for a really long time. Something i hope u still remember is when sylah, kt, and jackie came over for a sleepover and kt threw red vines at every one but one of them she threw a little too hard and left a bruise on my back. That was fun. I hope in a year im in a better place mentally and to be able to take care of myself. I hope i actually want to do stuff and feel excited to start the day instead of wanting to be asleep all the time. I hope i figure out what i want to do in the future and get better in school so i can achieve that future that i want for myself. I also hope i can find myself a girlfriend sometime soon cuz its honestly sad how i STILL dont have one. My expectations for this year were to finally start doing my work and finally get better mentally but that didnt turn out too well academically or mentally oopsies 🤐 so i think its safe to say no, my expectations were NOT met. My expectations for the next school year r to have all a’s and b’s but i think ill actually do it bc of the homeschooling and id have to go to work with her every day so she’ll be micromanaging me. If i could go back to tell myself on the first day of school something, id tell myself to stop shaking so violently 💀 cuz idk if u remember this or not but on the first day of school i was so scared i threw up like 6 times but i had nothing in my stomach by the end so i was throwing up stomach acid and my throught was like burnt and as i was walking in the front i was shaking so bad i couldnt walk so i had to sit on the ground outside of the school for like a good hour before i could see normally again and was like 20 min late to my first period so yeah id tell myself to get tf up and stop being such a baby. If i could give advice to someone starting highschool next year i would tell them that highschool teachers are NOTHING like what middle schools talk abt them like and to just talk to a teacher if u need help cuz all of my middle school teachers told me that it was gonna be so hard and they dont care about us at all and we need to figure out everything on our own and we cant ask for help but its kinda the opposite. Teachers care if u care and if they see that you care, they will help if u ask for it. I would also tell them not to be afraid of being in relationships because of school bc if ur with the right person, its rlly not that hard to be in a relationship and focus on school at the same time. I would tell someone taking mr fields class next year to just pay attention bc if u just pay attention to what he says and really read all of his slides, you dont even have to study for the tests. In the beginning of the year when i was actually able to listen to what teachers said, i got a’s and b’s on the tests without having to study bc i read all the slides and took all the notes while paying attention fully and not have smthing esle going on in my head and only paying attention when theres something to write down. A question i would ask my future self is are you still friends with sylah sofia and kt? R u in a relationship with anyone yet? Do u still watch miraculous or is it considered a baby show to u now cuz ive been watching this **** for 8 years straight now💪💪. Does mom finally accept the fact that ur not gonna get married to a guy and have kids 😭? Did u get better at school? Do u still wanna open a cafe or did u change ur mind? Do u still even wanna go into culinary arts? Did u finally get that autism diagnosed? R u any taller than 4’11 yet???(pls say yes🙏) I could still write more but i have to turn this in rn or else moms gonna get really mad so bye bye 👋 and gl for everything. also by now you'd be graduating highschool so goodluck with finals!! -hannah