A letter from Apr 30, 2023

dear sid, hey girl. i just read the letter that 15 year old me sent to 18 year old me and that inspired me to send a message to 21 year old me. i bet so much has changed from now to where you are. i’m gonna assume you are in college… but if not that’s fine. this is my very first day being an ‘adult’ and i am very much over it. i just signed my own permission slip for gods sake. i know that sounds so childish to you but this is all new to me. i’m choosing to believe that there is a big bright beautiful world in front of me and turning 18 is my ticket in. there has to be something greater than madisonville, kentucky and i cannot wait to find it. let’s talk about all your favorites right now. you love teen titans and dc comics. your favorite book is a little life. favorite movies are elvis, la la land, bones and all, the black phone, 10 things i hate about you, clueless and so much more. you love the songs 25 by alix page, maple syrup by the backseat lovers, urs by niki, fools gold but just niall horan singing it. i hope you experience so many new things and you have all new favorites by the time you get this. but it’s always good to remember what you loved. reading 15 year old me’s letter i was so lonley and had like no friends. now i have some. do you still talk to lilly? what about kylie, maddie, and maxx? i’m not entirely sure how long those friendships will last but senior year has been one of the best because of those people. i’m sure you still talk to jaidyn and asja. and i KNOW you talk to aubrey. i have no worry about that. now it’s time for the question that 18 year old me is dreading, please tell me you aren’t a god **** virgin anymore. are you some kind of loser? we have spent the last 18 years being a loser, i hope college you is having a lot more fun in that department than i currently am. maybe you have a man??? or a gf??? and for ***** sake if you are still hung up on zeke franklin (yeah i said it) i’m gonna kick ur ***. how’s the family? so far everybody is good. i miss uncle sterlin dearly and i know you will never not. i hope everyone else is happy and healthy. how’s milo?? it’s crazy that there was a time before i had him. i love that ugly dog. i don’t want to hang on this topic too much incase something bad happened, but you know how much you love them. you know how much i love them. right now you have settled on the world of pediatric nursing. you like kids. education isn’t the move. like i keep bringing up i read 15 year old sidney’s letter and it broke my heart. she talked about how much writing means to us and to not let go of our dream. that i shouldn’t let mom or society or anyone boss me into not going into writing/directing and that really hurts. but she is just a kid you know? part of me feels like i am underestimating myself, like i’m deciding that i am not talented enough to do this. like i’m ******* the little girl who only wanted to write. i’m not even giving her the chance to try. but at the same time i have to be a big girl. i have to understand that i can’t let the childishness of a literal child cloud my judgement when i am making a very important decision for me. i just applied to mcc for nursing and associates in science and nursing. what else is there to tell or ask you? i hope we gained some wisdom. i hope we have gotten comfortable with our own company. and i think these are all things that are doable. i hope we no longer feel stuck in the box we have been assigned. i hope that you are unrecognizable when it comes to your confidence. i hope people see you and thing “that’s the sidney that i used to know?” i think it’s time for the pep talk i owe you. i am so grateful for you. you are proof that we can get through it all. i know there are tough times ahead and i know that not not everything is gonna run smooth but what i do know is that we were get through it. i know that not matter what is thrown at us we somehow get back up. what has happened to us doesn’t define us. we are not defined by anything other than what we define ourselves as. it is entirely up to us who we are and the only person we owe the knowledge of who we are to is ourselves. i think the whole point of being alive is to live. and the one thing we owe whatever celestial being that put us on this planet it to LIVE!! the things that make us human are god. the all mighty ruler is the things that make us, us. being vulnerable and happy and sad and loud and wrong and headstrong and triumphant and confident and lonely are the point of it all. i want to live a life that we are proud of. me, you, and 15 year old us. my biggest fear is walking across the stage at MNHHS in 9 days, but knowing you are here with me makes it a little more bearable. i love you. so much. continue to make me proud sidney elizabeth, and i hope you know that i will never not be proud of you. with love sid (18 y/o version) <3