A letter from May 06, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I don't know where to start. It's been a while since I last wrote one of these; Almost everything has changed since the last I remember. I guess I'll start from where we left off... this might take a while. To start it is the year 2023, I graduated last June, I'm halfway to nineteen, if I remember correctly the last time I wrote I was a junior in high school worried about getting into college & getting a job, the relationships I had with my friends. I remember vividly feeling like I was stuck, like time was passing me by.. I'm starting to see a pattern here. Well, to start I did end up graduating, we know this, so good for you. We did get into a college!! I remember feeling like the biggest disappointment assuming I wasn't getting into any type of university, obviously we settled on community college which is not something we need to bring up right now, I feel other topics should be addressed. Let's see, we did get a job making some açaí bowls, that was fun but now we have our "big girl job" working at Harley Davidson, I'll talk about that more in a bit. Friends was a complicated time we know now we have no communication with our group, at the moment I feel absolutely okay with that. I appreciate our time together but we have all grown into different people, and that's okay. The hard thing I'm finding now that I've entered "adulthood" is how nothing slows down. Lillian is engaged as we know, I wonder what the outcome with that is, please let me know. our relationship I can tell is about to go through probably one of the biggest obstacles we will ever face as we both start to grow in different directions with different aspirations and goals. she's moving to California which means technically my only friend is going to be four hours away, and I'm not too upset about that. that sounds terrible I know, but I feel the differences in what we want are starting to affect us, I can't relate to the things she wants or what she's doing because they are completely different then the life I want and the life I'm living, Im yearning for the chance to meet people like me. I want to be able to have fun and go out on Friday, Saturday, Sunday nights and be able to look back and remember the best time of my life. Marriage isn't for me, settling down on a base taking care of children isn't for me. I can't relate to her. part of me is exited for the chance to be the new me, the grown version of myself with new people. I'm tired of being looked at and regarded and remembered as someone they met in middle school. I need a change and hopefully this distance will allow us to grow and figure ourselves out without that tether of who we were. I'm tired of feeling dependent on someone else for my happiness, Im tired of feeling like I'm not as mature or capable to make decisions even when that's not the case. I'm tired of feeling like the things I feel don't matter as much as hers; I try and try to give her the best advice, I listen to everything she has to say about her fiancé that she's known for 3 months, but when I bring up the events in my life I get a three word response then I'm left on delivered or we're immediately back to how depressed her poor cheating fiancé is at bootcamp and how much she misses him thus making anything about her more important . I sound resentful. I see that as I'm typing this and maybe I am. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for the right people for me to come into my life. I am ready to be listened too. Being my age I feel like I'm missing out but realistically I know that's not the case, especially living in Vegas. I feel like my life is on hold here, god what I would do to be anywhere but here. Flight attending - on hold - Golf cart server - on hold - alani promoter - on hold, why? alcohol and age of course, because we are still in the fabulous city of Las Vegas. I feel like I'm missing so many opportunities living here, like there's no way to progress until 2 years from now when it hits my 21st. It's fine, what type of life would I be living sleeping on an air mattress alone in an apartment I pay $2000 a month for in a city I don't know. Its not as big a deal as I make it out to be, I'm just impatient. I actually love my job, working at Harley Davidson? In what world could I have imagined I would be working here back in 2020 when I wrote my last letter. Let alone actually liking it. Let me talk about it, because the lord knows I have a lot to say. Right now reception is boring as always but I have the best relationship with everyone and Im constantly with free snacks and food. I've learned so much about the bikes that I can't even imagine what I have in store in the future. I wish I could see you reading this right now, what's changed? Do I still work there in reception? Did I go to motor-clothes or maybe even motorcycle sales like Nikki is basically training me for? Do I even work there at all? Well, anyway I've heard that even though everyday is something new there, I keep myself entertained by making myself absolutely obsessed with a man. This is were its about to get ****** up. I can already see you absolutely dying inside because you know exactly what I'm about to talk about, However Im very interested to find out my viewpoints from someone that's older than I am now and reflect on the situation with a clear mind. He's 10 years older than me, 29 - found out he has a girlfriend named Sarah today, yep that ruined my entire day which is why I decided now was the perfect time to take this all down. Did I know he had a girlfriend at first? No. did I find out a few days ago? Yes. Did hearing him say her name destroy me today? absolutely. lets reminisce, one of the best times I've ever had happened a few weeks ago when I hopped on the back of this mans bike and went to lunch with him, when I clung onto him when I had a back rest. when he touched my face with his stupid tattooed hand. when he avoided the **** out of me that same night at bike night when I saw him walk in with a small blond chick. did I expect a full conversation? let me buy you a drink type of interaction? no, but a nod would have been nice, are we forgetting me being wrapped around you not even four hours before? That night is when I should have lost any feeling for him, but this is where the messed up part comes in. it didn't, at this point I'm assuming he has a girlfriend but in my mind this means nothing because I don't know for sure. He got me tacos a week ago, because he wanted to bring them for me; he thought about me. He got real close and whispered an intimate inside joke in the privacy of the very open break-room. but I didn't know 100% if he had a girlfriend, so its fine. well then hearts are crushed because a few days later sam goes ahead and lets me in on all the details of how his girlfriend is so great, and then there you go. confirmation. in my defense I never flirted or acted any different with him than how I do with anyone else. that I can tell. but now we know that's something a little weird because if I was his girl, there is absolutely no way I would be okay with him taking another girl on the back of his bike, take her to lunch, help her with her helmet and touch her face without breaking up with him on the spot. that's just me. however there are two plausible answers for this, either I'm completely delusional and imagining all these interactions as something more than they are because I have issues or he is in a mature secure relationship as adults are, and there was nothing wrong with what we did. pretty sure we know the answer to that but you know I'm trying to be hopeful. so now I know he has a girlfriend, yes. does that make the anticipation of seeing him easier? talking to him? what he's going to say to make me laugh? what he's going to do if I roll my eyes at him again? what he's going to say if our conversations get a little too open and honest again? I'm having a heard time being a good person. a good woman. I've always thought every feeling of mine would disappear if I found a situation that someone I wanted already has someone for them. its not easy. I'm jealous, I feel green. I want him to touch me with his tattooed hands, I want him to talk to me in his smoooth way. I want it to be me riding on the back of his bike to another secret lunch spot that apparently wasn't so secret. but the reality is, that it isn't one. he's a man. I'm barley a woman. He goes out to bars to watch the game and doesn't have to worry if he is allowed in. he's experienced all there is to offer someone in their twenties when I haven't even entered it. He's getting to the point where he puts a ring on Sarahs finger and soon instead of taking care of his cats, he's going to be taking care of babies. I had a bad day today because I learned her name, hearing him say her name made it real. made me feel like a bad person for still wanting him even though I know. Feeling embarrassed that I'm so obvious that my own boss knows i'd get down on my knees if I had the chance. I feel stupid because I know reading this as you right now, I will see how crazy I was for thinking like this. Imagining things that never happened, and was never meant in that way. I didn't look at him for the rest of the day, barley talked to him or smiled. I think he saw what I was doing but didn't understand, not like I expect him too because I'm sure I'm just imagining him noticing my change in behavior. The worst part is, I'm looking forward to seeing him next Thursday. Please, I know. Ive never wanted to see someone go away so bad but want them to want me at the same time. i know he won't be here for long but I just know once he is, ill find someone new to prey on. I've slowly realized this is a serious problem for myself, and not even in a funny way. I'm sure I have major issues with men and this is just how I think. not healthy but I don't know what to do about it. I hope by the time I come across this again, I'm more mature, I hope I'm happy and healthy and a little more experienced. In honor of being on hold, I'll send this to September 26, 2025. My 21st Birthday.