A letter from May 03, 2023

Dear FutureMe, strap on cause this is a long one. Writing this was pretty hard and I keep crying. It just keeps running through my head. Today has been a very emotional day, and dare I say week. The week is only going to get busier. So this week laiah had broke up with her boyfriend because of me. Now I didn’t exactly do anything specific but sunday night she called me over because she wanted to break up with him. She broke up with him and we talked a little bit and she seemed like she was doing ok. I went home and fell asleep. The next day was a normal day until the afternoon. I watched a video about how noice pollution is a really big thing can can actually affect your health. Almost instantly after that I shut off my fan and sat in complete silence with no lights. I thought about life a lot that afternoon. I thought about why I have liked laiah and if it was a good thing to like her. I thought a little about me and my friends. I also thought about myself a bunch like my flaws and attributes. I came to the conclusion that it was because a couple of things. One reason I have genuinely been thinking of is because she is like a drug to me. Like I was wondering because when we weren’t talking I was doing fine and I wasn’t thinking of her every second of the day and I wasn’t feeling like needed to be around her. Today and yesterday, or anytime I think about her, I get this feeling that I have no clue what it is but I was just wondering if it was bad that I felt this way because it’s not healthy or if it was good. I still don’t know a lot of the answers I’ve thought of but i at least have some ways that I could try to confirm. Another reason I thought I could have liked her is because she is like the only girl that I really ever talked to so I could have just been horny and desperate. I am friends with Riley and I genuinely don’t know if I feel different with her because I haven’t known her as long or if it’s because it’s on my head that she’s *** or whatever the reason is. All I know is that I’m hopeless and have cried more today than in the past 2 years. Onto the main plot. After thinking so much about life I went to bed with my mind full but empty at the same time. That night it really didn’t help me starting to fall for her because I had a really provocative dream about her and I don’t know why because she wasn’t the main thing I was thinking about. But anyways it messed with my head a little because I think I mostly crammed the idea in the very back of my mind but after the dream it reminded me of the nice times we had together and it reminded me how much I loved her. That day was mostly normal except for the afternoon where I went on a super long walk. On the walk I talked with Julian a bit about the dream and I walked mostly normally. The thing is thought is that I kind of walked by her house more that I normally would have because I was trying to see if I could catch them outside. I didn’t and so I just ended up walking for a long time. It was only until I was about to go home was I then spotted when I walked behind their house and they invited me in. They were getting a basket rearranged and laiah was crocheting a hippo for her softball auction. During that time I was very pacey because I think it was a mix of walking and the fact that I was still thinking. She thought that I was not doing ok and kept making sure I was. One of the times I said I had already talked about it to one of my friends and so she was concerned about me. I told her it’s not a big deal and I am fine. She asked twice more and I insisted that I was fine. I don’t think that I was fine and that I was mad about laiah not taking to me for a long time because I brought it up a couple times. After going home I slept it all of and was feeling good in the morning and I even woke up early. Right before I get picked up I get a text from her apologizing about not talking to me for a while. At first I say it’s fine but she keeps apologizing every period and I kept thinking about it. I start to get angry again thinking about how she would ditch me for some guy that she barely knows. I’m getting tilted right now and I’ve cried so many times I’m going to say it quickly so I can just send it and get it over with. I apologized because I was very emotional. She said sorry and asked if we still wanted to be friends. I said yes and told her I wanted to be closer than last time. Later we went on a walk and I said most of the Dane thing in person and I told her that I liked her in the past and I was trying to get myself to say that I got over it and was fine but then recently I was liking her again. I wasn’t able to do that was that. We went home and now I’m thinking about I’m getting sadder and angry. Just Hours ago I was thinking I love her again and wanted to be really close now I’m thinking that it was really messed up and I might not talk to her again. I don’t know what I really want so I’m going to think about it from all sides and try to sleep on it. All I am trying to say is if you believe in something you should chase it as long as you know you want it. I think I like her and want ti tell her but I’m just so hurt and emotional that I don’t know what I want right now. I hope you have said something and either got rejected and got over it or you actually did something and it lasted. Good luck I hope you find someone that cares about you even if it’s just as a really good friend. Right now that person for me is Julian but I don’t know I’m feeling I’m just emotional and rambling. Good luck- Titus garretson, the ****** in the head teen