A letter from Apr 25, 2023

You're actually 30 now. Yikes. I kid, I kid, that's an ode to the last letter I sent myself. You know, the one where you were in your early 20s? So, let's catch you up to speed on what your 27-year-old self is doing this April night. I'm in my apartment in Italy, drinking a Hofbrau beer, getting through a really bad heartbreak. Like, really bad. All things considered, if the Shyanne of my previous letter saw what I have accomplished now -- that I finally got to see Europe and go to grad school abroad -- her heart would be leaping. Exploration of the world, whether that was through knowledge or places, was her ultimate purpose. She got the knowledge part down, she just needed the places. I am proud of myself for doing this. It's going to change me. But I'll admit, in this very moment, I'm feeling incredibly low. I will be okay, but I got my heart stomped on in a way I never had before. The funny thing is, I was perfectly fine with being single before him. I don't get lonely easy. I genuinely have fun in my own company. That's because I have so many motivations and reasons for living that don't involve people. But for the first time, I got a taste of what it's like to find a "perfect" companion. Someone you have both insane chemistry with, and can also be your best friend beyond the romantic stuff. Someone I could lean on when I have a bad day, someone I could love doing the big things with, like traveling the world, and love doing the small mundane things with, like fixing the toilet, trying new restaurants together, and watching each other's favorite shows. Admittedly, I had gotten feelings way too fast. I jumped the *** on the high that I finally, finally found someone compatible for me, like the universe was finally rewarding me with good people in my life. Friends or romantic partners, I don't have many, but when I do invite someone in, I have a big heart, I love hard, and I know there's gotta be someone else out there with a big heart to give. Now, I just experienced the ultimate whiplash. The taste turned bitter and the universe yanked it all away in 2 short days. For the first time, in the isolation of my apartment, an ocean away from home, being alone hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm ******* alone, and in two months time, I went from having peace with this, to not being okay with it. And this wouldn't change if I went back to the States, besides the fact that I could be with my parents in person. Because no matter what corner of the Earth I go to, I'm alone. There it is, that's the rough truth of traveling the world: you do all the ideal external things in your life, enough to make people back home envious, but you are left to face the internal, which does not magically transform just because you leave everything behind but two pieces of luggage. It's not up to the world to make you happy. It's up to you. And that's a hard pill. I will say, that pill was forming a lump in my throat long before this heartbreak, back to when I first arrived in Italy and was disappointed with some bad experiences I had with rude people. I knew straight away that I needed to stop letting the negative words and actions of people get to me so much. I needed to be a wall of positivity, the kind of person that doesn't let their smile drop even when I get a glare in return. A wall of positivity. This is a recurring theme since I've been here. I've really let people get me down. Taint the Europe experience, even. Progressing your life externally is easy. Work as a waitress, save money, buy a one-way plane ticket to Italy. But how in the hell do I work on the internal? Where do I start, what the hell is step A and B? I really, really hope this experience with this guy doesn't instill insecurities I didn't need. That when anyone I date going forward is genuinely interested in me, I won't believe them. Please, let this be a part of some kind of metamorphosis. I don't want to regress. I don't want to never open my heart to people. I don't want to be afraid of loving someone fully. No, **** that, that's weak people ****. I will be vulnerable again, and I will hold my full beating heart out for the right person. Maybe I'll be more cautious and take things slower, but I won't hurt people just because I was hurt, or love half-assed. More than that, I won't let people rob me of that optimistic, life-loving person I can be! Yeah, **** that noise. No matter what happens to me, no matter what someone does to me, I'm surging forward with a ****-eating grin, I'm going to enjoy the sun on my face, I'm a wall of positivity, baby. Do you remember that summer you saved money at Rusty Bull? You were counting down the months before you could finally put your 2 weeks notice in and change your life forever. Every day, you sat in that hot trailer in the back of Coco's house, knocking back an iced coffee, sweating in the desert heat from sunup to sundown learning Italian. You came to secretly like that Italian steampunk cartoon that you made fun of at first. You were so stressed about not getting your student visa, or just things not panning out in general. With everything in you, you wanted this so bad. There were times you hated serving so much, you cried. You dealt with ******** there too, remember? Coworkers that put you down, for example. Implied you weren't pretty enough, you weren't outgoing enough, you couldn't handle pressure, you weren't fast enough. There was one particular girl that had some kind of narcissistic personality, and she just loved to target you. Little did she know I was planning on bailing on that biker bar in 6 months and heading for the Mediterranean. Now, if I had to talk to myself back then about what happened when I left the country, I'd have to be honest with myself and say, "This one's gonna hurt." But I hope my future self, you, can add to that, "...And it was the best thing to ever happen to you." A metamorphosis that tears you up from the inside out, one that you would never believe you were capable of. I wonder if I'll be traveling more after I graduate. Just doin' the nomad thing. Maybe I'll head back to the States. I'm very curious about what I'll do when the chapter of school in my life is done -- I've been going to school for so long. Will I continue my path as a biologist? Or go into video editing? Or pick up writing again, and finally finish Pioneer 95? Whatever I do, I can't lose faith that, if I'm just myself, someone will love the hell out of me out there. I can't depend on that validation, either. I must detach. Go through a sort of yogi spiritual rebirth, or something. If there's ever been a time that the ending line of Fullmetal came full circle for me in my life, it's now. You know, the whole thing about, "If you endure that pain, and walk away from it, you'll find that you now have a heart strong enough to overcome any obstacle. Yeah. A heart made fullmetal." So I don't know, maybe I found the right person and fell in love for real by the time you are reading this. Maybe I didn't, and I should shoo off that idea of a timeline and age. You are 30 after all. It's time you let go of the idea that your only golden time is your youth, as though this is where your character arc ends, and the credits come rolling in even though your heart is still beating. Let go of your 20s. The story isn't over. Now I think I'll go watch Vinland Saga.