A letter from Apr 21, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Alrighty, here's the last letter of the "series": Let's review: ☑ Letter 1: Jan 01, 2026 "The Summer" ☑ Letter 2: Jan 02, 2026 "The Breakup" ☑ Letter 3: Jan 03, 2026 "Christmas- February" ☑ Letter 4: Jan 04, 2026 "Today, April 2023" Letter 4: "Today, April 2023" So, in my last letter, I explained how difficult the next few months were. It was much, much, MUCH harder than I could've ever guessed. I had no experience with any kind of true breakup, and I had no idea how much it would effect me. Even still, I wouldn't change my decision. Let me go through a few things here. I'll try to make them brief: (1) Why it was so hard after the breakup (2) Why I still wouldn't change my decision (Christian perspective) (3) What I want to do differently / what I've learned (1) It's been about 6 months since our breakup, and honestly I'm still a little ashamed to say that I think about it all the time. Occasionally, I still have moments where I miss Noah. It's hard when I see him every day in class, and I see he and Hannah hang out all the time. I have to say that the hardest part for me is watching Noah go through a lot his family drama without being able help him at all. I know that our breakup was the right thing for me, but what if I didn't consider him in the process? If I think about it too much, I can get a lot of doubts. When I heard that Noah was with someone else, I couldn't help but think that I was completely replaced. Well, I still kind of think that. But that's not the point. I mean think about it- doesn't everyone that you breakup with have to be "replaced" eventually? That's what marriage is! So in light of that, I don't hate the thought so much anymore. I'm okay with being replaced, because I know that I'll replace him with my husband eventually. I don't hate the thought of that at all. It's nothing personally against him, but it's both of us just figuring out who we are and who we want to be with. (2) When I think about it all from the Christian perspective, I don't have any doubts at all. I broke up with him because our relationship wasn't pleasing to the Lord in the slightest. Plus (like I told him at the time), I couldn't make him first in my life. How could I have known that he would have family problems soon after? Since when did he nOt have family problems? Imagine if I hadn't broken up with him! It was all in Lord's timing- like everything is. Who knows? If we hadn't have broken up, he could've thought that *** was the only solution to his problems, and I could've gotten pregnant!! Noah and I could've really gotten ourselves into a mess. (3) From Noah's point of view, I know that it was devastating to hear that I was breaking up with him. Devastating is probably an understatement. Imagine losing the person who helped you realize there was purpose in your live. He literally said that I saved him from suicidal thoughts. That just proves to you how the Lord works! See? Yes, at some point we were better for each other, but eventually we just weren't! Also, I can't be responsible for the decisions that he made after our breakup. I know that the Lord has it all in his hands, no matter what he and Hannah do (even though he told me about their makeout sesh, which I still cannot agree with). Just a few nights ago, I was reading "When God Writes Your Love Story" (which is absolutely incredible), and it got to a section where it talks about the benefits of being single. It was so sweet, that it brought tears to my eyes. But after thinking about it, I started to doubt God again. I got frustrated! I cried, saying, "God! Why didn't you let Noah have the opportunity to grow in singleness? Why did you give him Hannah?" I didn't understand! I used to get so worked up about it. I had given both Noah and I the opportunity to grow, and he threw it away for another girl to give his heart to. But as soon as I start thinking like that, the farther I get away from what I know about God: - He is faithful to His servants - He is just - He is loving - He is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent With that in mind, I cannot complain about where He has put either one of us in our lives. Despite what I'm still trying to decide about my opinions on predestination, I do believe that God gives us free will in general, and that was a choice that Noah made (whether that was with God or not). The Lord is just and forgiving, and He'll guide Noah wherever He wants. I just hope that Noah knows that. I'll always be here if he needs me, but I know I can't interfere right now with he and Hannah. (3) So you might be asking, "why exactly did I write these letters?" I mean, what's so important about all of this? Sure, it's just a hard time in my life, but I think it's much more than that. I know that our life on this earth is futile and everything is fading. Our life is so short compared to the eternity that God has promised with Him in heaven. I can't even imagine! So what's so important about everything that I've written to you the past few days? Well, first off, it helps me right now. It helps me to think through it logically and from more of a bird's-eye view of things. I've told this story to myself many times, but not like this. I've said it, and I've written bits and pieces. I even left out a good amount in these emails, because it would still be practically impossible to mention everything that's happened lately. But it's so nice to be able to reassure myself both logically and from a spiritual standpoint. Second, I never really want to forget what I've learned. Aside from just knowing that this particular breakup was for the best (I have grown in the Lord so much and have learned so much about true friendships, true relationships, and how to love God more), I want to remember the things that matter about going into the future: Takeaways: 1. When things don't feel right with God, do something about it. Remember to follow God first, not your heart (even when it's hard)! Faith is everything. 2. Remember how hopeless you felt at the beginning of the breakup. You felt like you was nothing without Noah, and you often doubted what the Lord was calling you to do. God doesn't always give us what we want, but He gives us what we need. Throughout these last few months, you grew closer to Him in ways that you didn't even know was possible. You know that He has a plan, and His will is being fulfilled right now. 3. God is preparing you for your future husband, wherever he is in the world. Somewhere out there is a man who needs you to become the woman you're becoming as you're going through these kind of hardships. He uses these "bad" situations to encourage you and others! Well, I keep falling asleep as I type this out, so I guess I'll end here: Don't give up!!