A letter from Apr 18, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hi isa, how are you doing?Currently, I’m 16 and i’ve been doing really bad in life. My mistakes from the past haunt me every day. I can’t make it stop. I hate myself and I don’t know what to do. I had sleep deprivation for 3 whole weeks which lead me to maniac episodes and forgetting how to sleep. ( How do you forget to sleep? I don’t ******* know but that happened to me). I can’t even tell you if I have friends right now, because, are they really my friends? How are they truly when no one’s watching? What is going on through their minds? Is it bad? Is it good? Does it involve me? Do they really like me? I don’t know and I will never know, will I? Changing topics. What about your ****** tattoo? What happened to your body? To your piercings? To your obsession? I’m so worried about my future me, I mean, y o u. How are you? What did you achieve in life? Did you even get a job? Are you made for something? I don’t think I am. What about cristina? Cristina. Yes. That cristina, the one you will never stop loving. The only true person that has come to your life. Is she there with you? Is she? Is she? i s s h e ? I hope she is. I miss her. I’m scared I will never get to see this. What if I commit suicide? God please help me. What about dad? How’s the relationship with dad? Are you still living in his house? Did something change? Am I and dad still fighting? I want to take care of my dad like he takes care of me. But I don’t want to keep fighting with him. And grandpa ? Is he still there? I don’t want cancer taking him away from me. Is he still there cherishing your life? I really wanna know. Did you meet new people? I want to meet new people. I want to get out of this town. I think this town is making me worthless. Maybe that’s the cause of this voidness in me which is ******* me slowly but gracefully. I sometimes think to myself that maybe, just maybe I can fill it up with friends. But, I know well that won’t make a change. Will I? Will I make a change? Will it even work or will that void in me just disappear? I’m scared I’m going to feel this way my entire life. I don’t wanna end up like mommy. What about love isa? Love. Did you find your loved one or are you still craving into your past? I can’t stop going back to the people who hurt me because I assume there’s no one else for me. Hey, one last thing. At least, I, myself. Love you.