A letter from Apr 04, 2023

Hello, older and stranger "Caroline Alma"! [Using a pseudonym because we're going to be publishing this publicly. Therapy 'John' says that this is called "shouting into the abyss in a healthy way", and 'Rosario' thinks this is a good idea. More on this later.] What's Up?: Adjusting back to home was strange and lovely. I think of [the oceanside town], so dear to my heart, sweet as apple soda. Pink buildings and all. I'd never been to [parents' home-country] with my heart clear, so it was lovely. I think of the other place, my father's hometown, and cry. We shall never see it again. Everybody who was in the town at the time is either scattered or dead. Back home in the States, my apartment was broken into. I'm surprisingly okay with this. They stole my ocarina, batteries, and twenty dollars, but nobody was hurt, and they didn't even find my safe. This month: Besides the best vacation ever?! Well, I've written enough about that. In relevant news.... big storms, lots of 'em, why is there still SNOW, and I finally kissed him for the first time. About time. been together since we were fourteen, practically, and I'm already almost done with my degree. We're both too shy; communication is priority one!! Oh, and the evaluation says I'm also autistic. This diagnosis made way too much sense to be surprised by. I honestly have no idea why I wasn't diagnosed sooner. No clue. Media recommendations (self): Try reading the Odyssey by Emily Wilson again; it's delightful. Puss in Boots 2 and Rango were glorious. Media recommendations (others): people say to try One Piece and Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. I highly doubt you'll be finished with either when you read this next. This month's spiritual note: Our job in life is to be the advocate for our idea of the universe. (I daresay this is comforting.) Praying about this was pleasant, and working through this with the usual postulates and ethical code was even more so. This claim held up religiously and non-religiously, and thus is added to the Thought Experiment Toolbox. Truth tables are so fun to work with. I hope I haven't gotten out of practice with them by the time I read this again-- and if I have, I should crack open First-Order Logic again and have fun! On a more explicitly religious note, I think I can make a very strong case for universalism-- maybe I should write 95 pieces on this. I hope I've written, like, five by the time I read this. This month's anecdote: I am trying to listen to more music. It's lovely to listen to as I work on the book. Somewhere Over the Rainbow (IZ), The Rainbow Connection, and Hey Robin are good for relaxing. I think the antidepressants are working. Maybe a little too well. I'll need to consult Dr. S. This month's curiosity: "Slow food". Sustainability-- how does it work? Is it cheaper in the long run? On a side note, will our new smaller fridge encourage me to make better choices? (Well, yes. It's doing so now.) Please tell me you didn't **** the pea plants that I'm putting in the ground tomorrow. (Please. I want cheap vegetables.) Reflection on last month's curiosity: My Elvis Presley impression is not very good (I am pretty sure I'm an alto, and he's a baritone), but it absolutely ****** at karaoke, and Mom thinks it sounds very nice. Lilo and Stitch is indeed a masterpiece. P.S.: Speaking of Elvis, I intend to tell the world about how Ginger did her best to make things better, and how Linda.... let's not talk about her. I wonder if I'm still just as disgusted with her then as I am now... This month's 'hot cocoa before class' news topic: The lottery! A South Carolina woman just won 200k on her birthday, and a man in Michigan claimed the same amount-- only a day before his ticket expired entirely. In New South Wales, some gent got 66k from what he thought was a prank phone call, and somebody in Maryland won 25k and 100k back-to-back. However, every time I have been tempted to buy a ticket, I need that money immediately after. It's funny. Since the November incident, and especially after the break-in, I've stopped being as concerned with money. I hope those folks enjoy their cash. This month's 'something new': making this letter public. I'm not making a habit of this new development, but this is a worldview that I have to practice, so why not throw a light out into the void? I really hope I feel this... good? in the future? I still am aware of my depression; it still makes things hard; I still pull myself from bed and into the shower in the mornings. However, I'm starting to find more and more chances to enjoy my life-- my brushing-teeth and driving-to-school-- little songs and cars honking in traffic. A funny cloud. (Things are much better after moving out, that's for sure. I love Mom, but I'm much more stable now that I'm out of there!!) Rosario says that this is important, that thinking this way is nice. I don't think everyone can be like me. They shouldn't be, either, necessarily. Toxic positivity is a godforsaken blight unto this planet. But I suppose my positivity is more... down-to-earth. Like, this is a wonderful font, and I'm comfortably typing in bed, on old Laptop Miranda. If this isn't nice, I don't know what is. [Kurt Vonnegut wrote on that.] The secret is that on bad days, which are very often, I start from zero. Things can be horrible, and the day can be long, but my teddy bear is always nice-- and it just adds up, bit by bit, until things from hot cocoa to homework can at last exist in my mind for their own sakes, and not simply things that people with more energy than me can hold in their hearts without tiring. So maybe this'll be what someone needs to hear. Or maybe I just want the world to hear how I think before I mention all the bad stuff-- family members being mugged and diagnosed with various terminal illnesses, Abuelita dying, my wrists being uniquely wounded and throwing into entire uncertainty my chance to even hold a dental-drill during my senior year of pre-dentistry, ERed twice in a year, and seeing a stranger die in front of me... this truly is a bizarre year. However, there's no point in being vindictive. Statistically, it had to happen to somebody, and it just so happened to happen to me. I've shed all my tears, and they'll come back when I need them. I'd rather just focus on getting dressed, checking the mail, and enjoying a few moments in the sun. Besides, I can type, thank GOD I can still type. I don't know what I'd do without it. (Though they do make good speech-to-text devices, from what I've heard..) I don't know if I'm oversharing. It's just nice knowing I'm not alone. Maybe I want to prove to the world that my heart still beats. It took a lot of work getting this far. I have plenty to eat and drink, my petty luxuries, a warm bed, a savings account, and people I love. I've nothing to envy, nothing to envy at all. Other new thing: I am trying to eat more vegetables and fruits. I am interested in smoothies. Question!: Is the Internet Archive still up? Mood: Wonderful, absolutely blissful, which is shocking, given the circumstances. If I've reached happiness, I hope I can make a world where everyone feels this way. I think that's it. God bless you, Caroline Alma, and God bless everyone, everywhere, forever.