A letter from April 4th, 2023

I miss the feeling of being held, of being comforted, of being wanted. I don’t think i necessary miss him, or do i? because i miss seeing someone’s smile everytime i looked into their eyes. we didn’t even date or even KNOW eachother for more than four months, but he had such an impact on how i live. sure i knew the feeling of loneliness before him but not having someone to kiss, hug and lay with is different from just loneliness. it’s longing for love and care. but i didnt love him. when i look back, i was embarrassed to talk about him or show him to my friends and sister. i miss the intimacy i cant get in any of my other relationships. i want to say i’m able to be by myself, i don’t want to depend on someone else for my happiness but how can i go without that kind of care and comfort. is it something i can get from other platonic relationships? i really don’t want to kiss my friends lol and i hate the idea of cuddling with my sister. what part of this scenario is in the weird one? i want to be able to be with okay without dating someone but all i want, my life’s goal is to find the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. is that not everyone’s? is it just a side effect of success? idk but all i want rn is fall asleep in bed in someone’s arms and be loved. everything i’ve ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally. i hope that i ve met someone to bring me that kind of love. it doesn’t necessarily have to be THE one but someone i can grow with. god if anything i just wanna be happy and laid