A letter from Mar 31, 2023

Dear Future Me, I'm not very happy with some of the choices I have made. I have chosen to steal, lie, be selfish, yell and fight with my mother and think she was in the wrong. I have chosen to put so much pressure on my shoulders and to have so much regret and guilt. I have put so much self hate on my body. I neglected my body. I put stuff into my body that i should have not, i have abused my body, kicked myself around, shoved myself into a small space were it took to long to get out, “ i want to be normal,” “ i want to fit in” i told myself that over and over again till i just cried and cried and cried. I made myself fell worthless, like that nobody loved me , i told myself to die, it told myself god will take care of me better than people are down here, i cut myself , i hit myself , i cover up the bruise i gave myself, my father tried to get better too and he did. He succeeded, he won, he got better, but the better he got the worse i got , the more unhappy, then more selfish i got to see him getting better feeling happy again . now was the time i needed to get better I have chosen to think that hanging with friends and watching movies is better than grades for school. Every Time i saw people having fun, being happy. I told myself not to be happy , they just look happy. I wanted to feel something and i couldn’t, i went to sleep at night think this might be my last night or what if this happened or what if that, all of the what ifs made me what to shut down made me what to just **** myself on the spot , i struggled for years for my weight and for what i looked like. I told myself the more people that make fun of you the more you are ugly ( 10 people bully you your ugly by 10%) a lot of people bullied me and i thought i was ugly or maybe it was the way i acted i just couldn’t think of anything else.all i wanted to do is fix my mistake . When I got diagnosed with diabetes I shut down. I cried with my mom. I felt that being sick meant life was going to change forever. I wanted to die but I couldn't. I asked God , why me out of all the people in the world, why me, what did I do to you to punish me so badly with this, just why. I keep repeating the “why” question in my head: I was in the hospital, in the shower, during lunch, during homework,even on the ride 6home. After awhile of think why did god decide to do this to me, it quickly in my head He didn't do this to me, or maybe he didn't mean to do this to me but that it was going to help with something in the future. So now that i have chosen to get better, to fix my mistakes, to help myself by putting school first and finishing things when it's time for them to be finishes, i'm making myself feel great making myself feel like a wonderful person like that i'm not worthless and i'm ready to change In the future i want to stay healthy, i want to have a positive mindset , i want to not fail i want to go to college with a 4.0,i want to see my mother and father happy for me to succeed i finish in nursing school and go of to be a RN, i want to help people in the future but the first thing starts with helping myself get there