A letter from Mar 31, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I’m 17 right now. it still feels wrong to be this old. i’m coming to the end of year 12, exams are soon that determine the grades i send off to uni, and i genuinely could not be more terrified. i feel sick a lot of the time, i cry at least three times a week about what my future looks like, and that i cant even see a future for myself. i cannot see myself in three years time, off at uni, studying SOMETHING. i have no idea what. you might not even have gotten into uni. you might have disappointed everyone around you, just like you always thought you would do. even if i do get in, there’s still the even bigger issue of actually talking to people once i’m there. because i feel like right now i have crippling social anxiety and i’m the most socially awkward person you’ll ever meet, so i’ve got no idea how i’m supposed to deal with going somewhere where i know nobody and i’m forced to talk to people if i want to have a good time. i cant see that happening for me, all i see is myself always in my room, alone. eating alone, sleeping alone, all alone. no friends because i’m too ******* awkward for friends. do you still talk to lucy? to rhiannon? to adesola? do you remember them? remember how you and rhiannon were so so similar? how you wanted to be her best friend instead of adesola? and what about sam. he’s all i think about at the moment, i feel like i’m in love but then i don’t know for sure, and if i don’t know then surely i’m not really in love. i’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me back, but he definitely used to. he used to love me so much, that can come back, right? how’s mum + dad? i really really hope you still talk to them both very often. they’re my favourite people in the whole world, they better stay that way. how did your exams go? at the moment i’m just still wrestling with overwhelming procrastination. like, i don’t revise. and i know i need to because otherwise i’ll just fail at everything. which i think i’m gonna do anyways. has riverdale ended yet?? i know that’s kind of random and it’s not like i watched past the first season but i’m super curious to know if it did or not because from what i’ve heard it’s moved into superpowers and musical episodes. ridiculous. let’s just remind you of my favourite shows in case a new season has come out and you haven’t watched it: taskmaster is my top at the moment, we’re at season 15 currently and it’s amazing,, i don’t know if YOU has finished by the time you read this but just in case,, good omens,, what we do in the shadows,, the last of us (!!),, etc etc i could go on forever. oh - have you read a book that you love more than a little life????? because i cannot see that happening. recently watched the theatre performance and am so desperate to see again, i’m sure you’ll remember how crazy about it you were. checking tickets everyday in case people returned cheap enough ones, reserving any tickets you could find so other people don’t get them but still ultimately losing them anyway.. okay i think that’s about it? sorry this is pretty long. i hope you’re doing okay. i really hope you have friends, actually nice friends as well that get you and want to spend time with you. i hope you’ve figured out your *********, because right now i’m so ******* confused and it’s making me go a bit mental. hope you’re happy. 2023 Beth x