A letter from March 25th, 2023

Dear FutureMe, You've completely destroyed me. you're the reason for my destruction. no i'm not misplacing my pain on you. your porn addiction made me become more fragile than I am. you might ask why i am always bringing this up it is because a part of me hasnt healed of this porn. you've stopped okay, good for you. but little did you know the pain is long term and severe for me. no matter what you did it never made it up for me. it almost seemed like you brushed it off and never sat with me and explained how sorry you are for hurting me so deeply. Your porn addiction didn't hurt as much as your repetitive promises that you stopped and after a while I discovered you lied... that destroyed my trust for you entirely. not only that you made me feel delusional and to think i had anxiety or depression. I was stupid at that time. I only had anxiety because of you. I was depressed because of you but I never noticed and blamed it on other things.. like i wanna go back to australia or that i hate living with your family but that wasnt the case. but your porn addiction isnt the worst of them. the worst of scenarios was when i came to baghdad and i was so hurt from all the abuse your family caused me and your family are horrible people to me but your too delusional to blame them ofcourse. i dont care if they are your parents, if you strip them away from such title they are evil people. your probably going to ask what have they done. well ill let you know. i felt so excluded from the family, i felt unloved, un inolved, no one would speak to me, no would share anything with me, i was only talked to when i did something bad, i felt like a maid, i felt downgraded, and not to mention how your mother treated me the first days of our wedding. she didnt even make me feel like a bride. i didnt even feel like a bride. i hated that but what can i say i was naiive and destroyed because of all the abuse my father did to me ( which you never took into account and discluded it so bad but till this day i hurt so bad) i could go on all about your family but i will stop here. when i came to baghdad you started becoming distant and this is where i needed you the most.i was so alone. i was stuck in a room with 4 walls and back with my worst nightmare...my family.. you always said whats wrong with you living there, but who am i kidding youll never understand. and you never did. i was so attached to you because i had no where to go . i was so attached to you becasue you were my only escape to have a supposedly better life. i was texting you one night...i was thinking about suicide.. i was on the verge of suicide but you left me that night. you left me.... you didnt even bother with me. oh god the pain i felt that day was unbelivable. i cant even bring words to explain how betrayed, alone, disappointed, unloved, uncared for, worthless, hated, despised, not important i felt that night because the one person that i thought would be there for me....just left... and your excuse was so stupid. i dont want to speak abbout what happend afterwards because i dont want to talk about it. i ended up hating you ...i ended up resenting you so so hard. and when you blocked me.. you think i cared??? i felt the biggest rock was taken off my chest... i felt so free... i was unsatisfied with you. i lost love in an instant. everything we did all the memories they went... and i started doing things that i dont even regret and i feel like i made up for all the pain you did to me. was it revenge? no it wasnt. it was mostly you pushing me away. and this was the result. this wasnt a day or night feeling. this was built over time.... i am not blaming or pointing fingers... this is why i changed because i realised i am worth more than this... i deserve way more i was too attached to you... i was too inlove with you ...i loved you way more than you loved me.. and clearly you thought you were the lucky one. but i changed my hair my body my personality the way i think the way i talk and the way i dress and everything i changed. i no longer needed your support. because i did it all by myself... and despite us reuniting it's all for my own benefits... sadly to say i have found myself searching. why am i not satisfied with my husband. why am i not attracted to my husband. why am i not happy in my relationship. i became more aware about your actions and especially your manipulation tactic of gaslighting...i am no longer stupid and i would chose me over you anytime. this is because of you. i dont see myself loving you like before and your going to witnes this throughout the days. i am sorry but once that goes its hard to get it back. cant u see why i dont even care naymore if u watch porn? cant u see i don't bother with your social media? cant u see if don't even care where u go or where u stay? cant u see i found ways to make myself happy without u? cant u see my lies have not doubled but tripled ? and to think u still trust me .... i don't think you should...because you're long gone and i try my best to love u like before and care but i feel like its all an act and im trying to be delusional because my actions dont represent the words i say to you. your probably asking why am i staying with you if i dont even love you???? well your my only escape .. and im using you to escape. thats why