A letter from Mar 09, 2023

Dear FutureMe, i finally told mom. about my depression. about my thoughts. i feel kinda weird about it. like sometimes im glad, but others im not. like the night i told her, i went to the bathroom in the middle of the night to pee, and she came in my room saying my name, sounding worried. i didnt like that. when i finished taking a shower another time, she grazed my arm and stopped me to inspect it. i didnt like that either. but i get that she just cares about me. it just makes me uncomfortable. me and her have been fighting lately. idk if thats just because im on my period or what. i really hate it, but i cant seem to stop it. whenever i get mad i just cant stop the words from coming out. its like a hurricane of hate, and im in the dead center trying to stop it. but it just destroys everything in its path, nothing is able to stop it. its not who i am, but it is at the same time. i hate it. so much. i just want to be who i want myself to be. why is it so hard? why cant i just change myself and remake myself? i just wanna be happy and kind. and i am. but im not. why are emotions so complicated?