A letter from Feb 22, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Hi, I'm not too sure what to say or even why I am writing this. Maybe for a glimpse of hope? Maybe for my future self, haha you, or maybe just because I'm bored of life and just praying that you have done at least something interesting. I have absolutely no idea whether you'll see this in a year, 3 years or 5 years because my indecisive self cannot decide. Where to start. I don't know. I should be good at this, writing I mean. I'm predicted an A in my English A-level, but I still feel as though I could do better. Its a flaw, I know, overthinking all the little things especially relating to college and academic situations. I wonder if I was able to maintain good grades or whether my faking till I make it kind of slogan failed. I wouldn't be surprised to be honest, in my head I know I should be prioritizing my A levels if i want to get into a good university and ultimately end up with a good job. But my overambition conflicts with my unproductive mindset. I feel lost in what I want to do with my life. My heart aches for travel and excitement but in my head I know I need stability regarding money especially in a world where money fuels and dominates everything. And I mean everything. Maybe its down to the fact I haven't grown up with a massive amount of money, of course I'm grateful for everything my parents have given me, both materialistically and whatever the other word is, but I've always selfishly wondered whether my life would be different with money. I could at least afford to travel and explore, maybe see Harry Styles hahaha. On a serious note I do wonder whether my life would be any different. Right now I'm in my first year of college, its exciting, draining but its okay, I'm however months in, maybe seven months, but it still feels as though its a taster day maybe that's just an excuse for not putting in the proper effort and time into my work. I do however put my work into my job. Yeah its only McDonalds, but its like a little family, as cliché as it sounds I believe I've made many friends there. The money drives me to enjoy it too haha, for once in my life it feels as though I am capable of doing something and in reward I have money in my bank. I sound so materialistic but in reality I just want to feel stable in my future. Maybe its the anxiety. I wonder if you've sorted that out. My Mental health has been a roller-coaster, woah what a great , original metaphor. But really its had so many ups and downs I don't even know where I am at the moment. I feel chaos most of the time, as though I will break down into tears if anyone asks me how I really am. I often imagine someone asking me and getting worried it brings me some sort of comfort. I make up scenarios where someone is able to click there finger and diagnose me with something then suddenly I'm a new, perfect person. But we both know that's not how its works. I've come so close to asking for help, but with my parents all I can imagine is the standard attention seeking, or blame it on the phone. Which I can understand, but not at the same time. I just wish someone could go into my mind and fully understand everything its doing. I'm not looking forward to summer. I'm hoping they fade by then. I'm hoping you've figured that out, if you know what I'm on about. I saw this thing online, something around the words of, pain in the body seems to get quiet the pain in the mind. This somewhat explains my issue. Its almost a relief when I do it, but then the guilt outweighs it. I do crave the attention which is scary, it makes me feel vulnerable which I weirdly find comfort in. My mental health feels so peculiar, I know I'm wasting my teenage years not maintaining relationships with my siblings and friends but it feels so difficult to keeps something between me and people I'm supposed to love. I do hope I one day get the satisfaction whatever that's supposed to be. I do crave a relationship, but I feel too unlikable for that. My hairs too messed up, my nose is crooked and lets not get started on my forehead and body in general. I don't want you to feel bad for me I'm just self deprecating lol and I don't know how to express anything. Music seems to help. Sad songs help. Harry Styles helps, Adele helps. But I'm not sure if anything else does. Maybe future me will be fit and healthy, I hope so, maybe that will make me feel better. I do want to start the gym but that scares me and the commitment scares me too. So guess you've made a conclusion that most things scare me ha-ha. But most of all my future scares me. Something about the future makes me shake in apprehension. What if I never reach a good enough future, but what is good enough? To me right now its to have a happy experience of travelling and a partner and a successful job, maybe in journalism or travel or maybe even acting. I'm still getting anxious over *****. Especially my family or someone close, I know if that happens it will break me. It will break me completely of the edge. The anxiety around this hovers every minute and the smallest thing will trigger tf out of it. I don't know how ill cope as I get older. Well well just have to see. I wonder if you are in a relationship. I wonder if they make you happy. But a relationship doesn't determine your happiness does it. I hope your happy in yourself and are emotionally aware of yourself and I hope that you've found some kind of purpose in this corrupt, dissociating world. I hope your content, with family, friends and mostly yourself. If not call your mum, call your dad, call you siblings, call your grandparents make memories. This world does scare me but I believe in you. Live Life don't just exist. Please. I hope you learn to love yourself, at least a little bit. :)