A letter from Feb 16, 2023

hi. hope you're doing okay. i jsut wanted to tell you how i feel. who else am i supposed to rant to besides myself? you're 21, hopefully. i'm not gonna bother asking you what you're doing or if you have a new cat or if you're an eccentric millionaire because you already know that. these are questions that i can't get the answer to right now, so i don't care. i don't mean that in an edgy way, i just don't want to waste time. the fact of the matter is that i want to die. dear god, it's all i ever think about. how badly i want to die. you know i'm not gonna **** myself. look at you, you're reading this thing. but DEAR GOD. I WANT TO DIE. it's so persistent. all i can dream about anymore is ways i might die. i wake up, breathing heavily. i find myself thinking about walking in front of a bus or some car running a red light while we're driving and hitting me or getting in a giant ******* plane crash. i beg for it to happen. i hate myself for feeling like this. i hate myself more because i don't think i have a real reason to feel like this. i have the most amazing friend group i could ask for. i'm ******* 2nd in my class. i get everything i want, and i want to die. maybe it's weird 18 year old hormones. i'm scared, and i hate myself for being scared. i hate myself because i'm the coolest person i know, and i want to die. deeply, profoundly, truly. *****. the only thing stopping me from ******* myself, honestly, is that i'm a *****. you know that more than anything, lol. hope you worked on that btw, it's kinda ***. but the point is, ***** is something i crave deeply. i also hope you don't think i'm cringe or anything, like "oh this wannabe emo *****. get a life, girl, fr." because these are my feelings! they're real, and i'm telling you because i think you wouldn't judge me and you'd think back to this ****** time period and be happy with all the growth you've gone through! if 21 year old me relates to this, im gonna be flipping pissed. i am not gonna be like this for the next 3 years frfr. get some therapy. oh god, and i'm doing it again. not taking this seriously. i want to die, and i'm making it a joke. i'm finally telling someone about suicidal ideation, and here we are. but does everything have to be serious? come on, i fantasize about all the ways i could die so i don't have to deal with reality. it's a little funny. why do i want to die? not existing just seems so easy. if i could sleep forever, i would. there is nothing i wouldn't give just to sleep until the end of time. peaceful, cozy sleep. no dreams. that would **** me up. but existing sucks. i don't feel alive right now. i feel like my mind is fading out of reality, and my body is forced to survive on its own. "figure it out," my mind says as it leaves its vessel. good for my mind. but jesus, i want to feel alive again. you know about the drug usage. the drugs make me feel alive, and i don't want to become someone who depends on them. i want to feel alive by myself, but how am i supposed to do that on my own? there is nothing more i want from life than *****. i hope you want something more from life. there has to be something more. okay. love you. love, liyah