A letter from Feb 05, 2023

Dear FutureMe, February 05, 2023 7:58 in the evening. Im not okay, I'm literally not okay and I don't know what's the main reason why. I really hate this feeling, I hate it when I'm sad because I have nowhere to go. I don't have someone to vent because no one cares, I've come to the point na I tend to gaslight myself, that maybe I was just too overacting for something that didn't really matter. Am I? My thoughts were jumbled and I don't know what to feel anymore. I want to be independent in everything, I want to live a life without having to rely on someone but there's this thoughts na what if sa ideas nako na ganahan ko magpaka independent ma-fail ko? What if mo abot nya ang time na mahayon nako akong kaugalingon because of that stupid decision? But look! I'm already 20 years old but still gasalig ra japon kos akong pamilya, even sa gastuon para sa akong kaugalingon nila ra japon kong mama magsalig na supposed to be I have to finance myself at this age. I want to get a part time job but there's this thoughts na what if di nako kaya ang trabaho? What if lisod para nako ang trabaho? Di dayun nako makuha ang angay buhaton? Ganahan ko mag part time as sales lady pero mahadlok ko what if bogo ra kaau ko, mapalpak ko makatapal pako if ever, kung call center sad I've already experienced being a trainee in a call center and feel nako bogo jud kaayo ko, di dayun ko ka kuha sa flow, so asa naman lang ko ani? If mo part time sad ko di ko ganahan mawad an ug oras para mag tuon. I want to make money on my own pero unsaon man nako if I'm not good at anything? Or maybe I'm just too scared to fail? Yeah I know that failures makes you learn a lot but hell! I'm scared of failure!. As I've mentioned, I am not good at anything, for me it's just a mediocre. I lack a lot of things, I don't have a lot of achievements, I can't even tell which of these things is worthy to be consider as achievements. Even in our church I'm part of a music team but I'm not really good at it, yeah I know how to sing, I sang in a tuned way but I can't say na maayo ko mo kanta because I'm not, I can't even follow a simple beat of a song and that's my weakness, mawala ko sa beat whenever mo kanta ko because I don't have good listening skills and feel naka behind ra kaayo ko nila, I even compare myself to them. I envy their talents and bisan dili sila mag ingon nako I can sense na they don't really trust me when it comes to having a solo because of my beat issues 😅 mao nang feel nako because of that, ako tong member sa grupo na ma consider na less important, every practice dili pangitaon (pangitaon ra if ako ang ma assign sa song lead) sometimes I say to myself, you must be good at everything to be valued as a person. Since I reach my 20's I realized how lonely I am, I had assumed that I have friends but I realized all this time I have none. I only have myself who truly understands me. To my future self, I hope when the time comes you will read this again, I hope you won't feel the same way, that feeling of having no one to turn to when you have a problem, I hope you will meet someone you can run to if you are not okay. I hope you will become brave enough to try new things, I hope you will be brave enough to face your fears. Please don't be to hard on yourself 🥺 karong mga panahona I can't totally say na love nako akong self but I do hope na if mabasa ni nimo balik you can totally say that you love yourself 🥺❤️. I hope you'll get the confidence that you've been dreaming to have. I hope this time you will not compare yourself to your music colleagues anymore. Please learn to trust yourself 🥺. And lastly, I hope you won't only return here to complain about your life. I sincerely hope that the next time you complain here, you won't complain about how lonely you are. I'm excited to read the encouraging things you will write here. I love you and please take care of yourself ❣️ Love, Dianne (The 2023 version of me)