A letter from Feb 02, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Grandpa's sick, it's not looking good and you just don't feel anything. He's got some kind of internal bleeding, his lungs are too weak to do the scope and everything is up in the air and your brain is stuck in logic mode. Maybe it's the autism but I just can't seem to react until I know what for sure if going to happen. Apart from that making content has gotten harder and harder. I just don't care to do anything - not in a depression way but in a 'the world is falling into fascism so what's the ******* point' kind of way. I'm pretty sure I'm going to die in a trans holocaust style if I don't leave the country in some way, and I can't tell Jordon all this because last time trans rights were attacked she was struggling so much to cope and was so stressed. If I do die, I at least had a pretty comfortable life. I had grandparents who loved me unconditionally, an aunt who would throw down for me despite being very sick herself, and while I still resent my parents a lot for how they treated little me, they've gotten better. Last night we did go see Puss in Boots the Last Wish for the second time. It's such a good movie and absolutely my comfort movie. I'm also thinking about getting back in touch with Buddhism again. I've felt so disconnected from spirituality and I think I just want to feel connected to something again. Fingers crossed you get to read this and aren't dead! (Gotta keep it light in here)