A letter from Jan 28, 2023

Listenin to- Stronger Than Me (Amy Winehouse) - Worm Dance (Phoebe Troup) "if something feel better than being alive, then I'll be the last to know" Why, hello there, shawty. Long time no see? It's a cold and dreary saturday, the kinds u like. I woke up this 4am, with a terrible amount of mucus and lighting seeping pain in my throat and the constant pain gnawed away at me to make me think "please just make the sun rise already and wake me up better" I think we've thought like this too many times these past few years. Y'know, originally I wanted to seek out Blanch to talk to when I first realised this; - 'I always answered emotionlessly when people ask me advise' Can you remember and guess which one of your loves said this? They said that, and I realised, I couldn't do that anymore. I couldn't, speak without emotion anymore, it was all cream filled with anger and overflowing with happiness jam. This the time where I am friends with Paya, Rad and Blanch. Remember that discord server? The one where you made a 'cult' hihihi. Silly. I don't know if its a good thing, to not be able to detach myself anymore but I don't feel awake, I don't feel connected to my thoughts I feel like I'm simply living in a small bubble but it feels so safe that I'm able to make and create things that I've never created before. I made a paper jewelry stand, I created something after wanting to for so long. Is that good? I feel like I'm living with my head floating scraping the cold sea water, my nose almost below the rise. But I don't mind because I feel submerged like bait for animals, there's a feeling of fight or flight that makes me giggle. I'm not sure if I should continue on like this, I don't think I should be like this, but what should I feel like? At least this doesn't make me feel as if the world is ending.. it keeps me going. Should I keep going? Mayhap I just miss being able to speak without being there and without the feeling of emotions, to simply give a full yet blocky reply. I want to be able to be concrete again. Though, concrete isn't all that strong without its metal rods of structure, and I'm sure those structures were anger for me. I simply covered them up with cement. Maybe I was just buried in cold snow that I hibernated myself, and now I'm vaguely drowning (in melted snow haha) Did you know we don't have receptors to perceive 'wet'-ness. We only feel the cold temperature and the difference in pressure, as if jello. Spiders can feel 'wet'. I want to be a spider. Somedays I'll give you long emails Somedays I'll give you 6 words. Bye bye babes, kiss kiss Yours forever.