A letter from Jan 20, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I'm 17 now, and you're 20. But I really am starting to feel like an adult. I have always taken care of myself, you know how it is. Before, 20 seemed like such a distant number, a true grown up, so forth. It's dawned on me now that 20 isn't all that old. You don't have all your **** together do you? We grew up too fast, I think. I shouldn't feel like an adult yet, but I can't help it. I cook for myself, manage my own money... I don't live alone per se, but it's not like I live with my parents. I need to find an apartment in less than a year and that scares me. I''m not sure I'm ready to have nothing to fall back on but myself. Electricity is expensive, water is expensive... And the lines or living spaces are so long, what if they just won't let me in? Now, if I truly, truly drop the ball and have nothing to eat for weeks on end (which has never happened and isn't all that realistic, but I'm convinced it's possible for some reason.) I could call my parents and grovel for some spending money. When I turn 18 and get the **** out of there (for real this time) that option disappears. I have friends who can bail me out I guess, but they aren't in my situation. They're not adults, they're 17. Immature, unrealistic, optimistic teenagers. They won't be able to do much if I screw myself over. It bothers me sometimes, that my friends get to fall back on their parents and just be kids. When I ask if they're worried about turning 18, they say of course they are! Then they go on about making their own dentist appointments and about alcohol. I get frustrated with them, since I was doing all they're so stressed about anyway. I shouldn't be. THEY are the normal ones, you shouldn't have this life or ***** peril about turning 18. Yeah it's legally an adult age, but an 18 year old is a teenager. I don't wish my situation on my friends. I just wish if I have to have all of these adult responsibilities, I would at least garner the respect an adult gets. It's so much harder to get by as a 17 year old, no one thinks you really need the money, or the assistance. Lately I've been frantically looking for jobs. Just something simple I can do after school, so I can save up some extra money for my apartment. Csn is nice but it just barely gets me through the month, and I need more income. I tried all the "teenager" jobs, pizzerias, McDonalds, local burger chains, whatever. I got fixated for a bit on working at espresso house, since it seems so nice for my best friends classmate, who works at the one in her city. I'm in a small town now, so it should be less competition, so I thought anyway. But the life cycle of work here is so much longer. I got told that I did awesome in the test they sent me, and that I'm "a very attractive candidate" but there simply isn't room for me. So what? All the jobs in all the Coffe and fast food chains are already taken? I have to wait until someone, somewhere gets fired, and that could be months from now. I'm just bitter I'm getting nowhere, I think. I deserve financial security, even if my family think I wouldn't last. I'm not gonna tell them when I get the job either. They don't talk to me that much, they don't know what I'm up to throughout the day. They'd never notice if I started spending a "having a job" amount of time at the mall, since they're not here to see me leave or return. It'll be my way of being the bigger person. I take so much **** for not having enough money, so I want them all to know I have a job or my pride's sake. I need need NEED to let that mentality go. Nothing can make them think I'm responsible, or a good person. So I'm not going to try anymore. I'll protect my sanity instead, and when I get into one of those sessions of being berated, I can sit and think to myself that they don't know anything about me. That's how I stop them from getting to me. One day - when I 've got this all sorted out - I'll go to therapy or something. I won't succumb to my circumstances, then I'm no better than my piece of **** sister. I hope this letter finds you well, and in a position to think that all of these worries were stupid. "Of course I have a stable job" you may think. "I moved far ar away and I don't think about home anymore." I hope that is what you think. I hope this letter was just teenage angst to you. I hope I land a job and apartment soon, and I hope you have them to this day. Best regards, 17 year old you.