A letter from Jan 08, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I have much to tell you. This is still a new subject for me so I have chosen to write it in english as it feels more private and less "ridiculous". As it appears, I've met a boy 5 weeks ago. We started seeing each other and I think I'm falling. Hard. And also way too quickly. Thing is, I discovered how low my self esteem actually is. I thought I was pretty confident. In the past few years, I've learned to assert myself, to put myself out there, to stop being shy and start enjoying being the center of attention. I thought it was going well. And for the most part it did. I even started liking my physical appearance. I think I am pretty good looking (at least on the days I make an effort ahah). But to be honest, it's not a coincidence my style includes very big shoes, mostly dark clothes and skeletons. I like to appear a little intimidating, as a defense mechanism. People find me a bit cold and don't start **** with me that way. Clever huh ? Anyway, my third uni year was going well, even though I was mostly bored because most of my friends are far away. Then I met him. Yeah it's Leo, I hope you remember. Meeting him was totally random, we were simply put in the same group working on a pond (biology works... you know.). And I instantly liked talking with him. Didn't help that he was pretty cute (attrayant as he said ahah). Anyway, we started talking on instagram and it led to hooking up at his place. And again, and again.... And I started doing rock climbing in a gym because that's what he likes to do. To be honest I really like it too, even though I feel like a toddler around all those people who are good at it. I also started listening to some rap music, artists that he likes.... How unoriginal I know. I've met some of his friends, they're nice and fun. But he has a hundred more. I don't know how he can have that many. He goes out almost every night and I am filled with jealousy. Not because he's with people and not me, but because I would love to be liked by that many people. His life seems so full and good. I seem very boring next to him whenever we talk. I think one day he will realise that and leave for good. Last week, after making love, he told me he was not ready for a serious relationship. I played it cool even though I was very disappointed. After all, who am I to say anything. This is his choice. It stings yeah. I fall too quickly. There's just so little people I like, when I actually do, I don't want them to ever go away. I'm pretty sure he will never love me as much as I love him but I try to appreciate what we have right now. Writing all of that down doesn't really have a purpose other than getting it out of my head. I hope I'll be happy whenever I receive this. Thank you to myself. Song of the moment : Trop beau - Lomepal