A letter from January 8th, 2023

Dear FutureMe, Here's how you were 3 years ago. And I sincerely hope you and your family are truly happy!! I am feeling SO sad!! There's 3 other sad and unhappy people around me who are also struggling mentally. So there's sadness both internally and externally. Therefore it becomes even more difficult to keep myself happy. It's like there's a burden, a constant heaviness on my head and in my heart. And this suffering is further aggravated by seeing my family go through the same pain, maybe of varying degree but the unhappiness is explicitly evident. I invariably notice their blank stares, their helplessness, my father's gnawing guilt and shame manifested by his irritability and anger. It just ***** ME!! I feel an atmosphere of gloom and melancholy in my house. When everybody else appears to be doing okay, though i know many of us around me are also going through some or the other issues of life, they must not be experiencing the profound sadness that I feel every single day, eating my soul away. Many times during the day, the pain becomes UNBEARABLE!! Consequently, a thought of suicide comes effortlessly in my mind. Desperately longing for a way out of this (self induced) misery. But I know I can't, i shouldn't. It will be the ***** of my family too. If I see this objectively, it will totally shatter my family to pieces. And so it will be i think even more painful coz my soul could never be at peace. So suicide can never be the option tho i get so tempted to do it many times. I can't do it. I am failing at life. I don't know if I could make something good out of my life. I can do anything. *Cryinggg* I surely could do something about it. But I can't. I am not mentally stable, i am struggling SO MUCHH!! THE MENTAL TRAUMA IS EXCRUCIATING!! This is the darkest times for all four of us. The dark clouds have never dissipated away. The MAYA is tormenting all of us at full force. Dekha jaye to itna bhi bada dukh nhi h But this WORLD is such. It's because of this world. These materialistic and callous people only put money and possessions as the basis of respect and happiness. So we constantly have to fulfill this benchmark of success. To always appear perfect and okay. To always pretend that we are not poor. To show off. To pull others down. To blatantly judge others. I HATE to be a part of such a sick social setting. But I can't escape it nor can I avoid it. This world has always been like this, this is it's dharma to inflict pain on us. This world is unbiased. I accept this. Prabu ji said the pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. It's true. I am aware that I have chosen suffering. And the truth is...i am not suffering because of the world or because of my circumstances, it's because of my INABILITY to do something about it. Because I am truly not able to. I have tried. Honesty. I have tried to meditate, but how can I meditate with people around. I long for some isolation where I sit and meditate or chant mantra to calm my mind. I don't even have my own room :( There's a spare room upstairs but my parents rent it. Coz we don't have MONEY! Everything boils down to MONEY at the end :( I am extremely overwhelmed. It's too much to take. At this moment.... I want to be free from the built up trauma, be mentally stable, the perpetual heaviness in my heart and the headache to go away, want my family to be happy too, I can't ever be happy if they are not happy. See this is the thing I don't like about family. Everyone gets entangled. Everyone must in charge of their own happiness. That's all. I have to get a disprine for myself.