A letter from Jan 02, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I hope everything is better because it hurts so much right now. I just want to get rid of all my problems. It’s not fair I want a boyfriend or girlfriend I want to be loved I want to be happy. I want to live I want to experience things I want to have those happy montages have a happy teenage life. I just realized I’d be 18 in a year and it’s not fair I wanted to do everything I don’t know. I want to be pretty and happy and have good health and skin and a good body and hair I want to know how to do makeup and nails. I want to know who I am because nothing makes me happy anymore. I want to get back into drawing and gaming. I want to cut off the lie I want them to know I’m not being honest to them. I want to heal I want to grow. I want to live for daddy he wants me to be happy but I’m hurting. I hope you’re happier I hope it’s easier I want it to be easier and I know it will be but maybe it won’t. I don’t even know anymore everything in my head is too much to even write down I want to think prettier and have good words or whatever I want to write poems and sound pretty and look pretty and be taller and get rid of my back pain and be popular in a good way. I want to try the good things once everything once I want to not get addicted to anything I want to love people but I want to love myself I don’t want to hold on my feelings anymore because it hurts my throat and heart and lungs I want to get over my athsma or however the **** you spell it and fix my back and get tall and finish accutane and get good skin get a job get money buy nice clothes and stuff and help mom I want to help mom and Katie and I want to remember all the little things but I’m forgetting them all because it’s been so long but I need them I need to see them I want to get back the messages I want to be able to read his words and letters I want to hear his voice again. I want to be free I want you to be free I want you to find yourself and grow and apply to the good colleges and get into them and have something to brag about I want valedictorian but it’s so far and I don’t know I want you to be happy but it’s so stressful because he wanted that we talked about it I want to find myself again and focus on something maybe get a goat or calf and show and involve myself maybe run for President because nobody in our year gives af about ag and be class student board and be involved in everything and make yourself known because right now I am not. I am known by no body not even me or you. I hope by then I am all these things and more I want to be proud of myself because everything hurts. I want to be positive and radiant I’m tired of my rain cloud or maybe mix them both in a good way and I hope we have good nails. Maybe learn to pilot and do nails and hair and makeup learn to design and sew create a brand do research make a vet office. I want to be what I think you’ll be. I don’t care if this sounds messy and silly because I’m tired of hurting my own brain with something that should flow to me.