A letter from Jan 02, 2023

Dear FutureMe, you’re laying in bed, at 3.25am, a day before school starts again, listening to sparks by coldplay. it always gets you crying. what i want to tell my future self? i believe in you. all these years you’ve bullied yourself. people bullied you, but now you’re bullying yourself. it took a long time to realise you never deserved to hear these painful words from anyone. you’re such an amazing person, you know that? do you honestly understand how strong you are? the amount of times you’ve cried to sleep and woke up with puffed up eyes, the amount of times you’ve let people cross your boundaries, the amount of times you blamed yourself for things out of your control, is uncountable. you’ve gotten used to suffering alone in silence. you’re independent with your hardships. asking for help is far too difficult. why? why did you let yourself get so hurt? you have a heart of gold. but you treat it like dirt. please, never let yourself go again. you dont need anyone. you’ve been there for yourself, please love yourself. she has gone through so much and stayed for you. give her a hug and tell her she has done enough. she deserves peace. she deserves reciprocated love. tell her she looks beautiful in any lighting, in any angle, in any camera and in anyone’s eyes. tell her that she cant give up on herself. honey you’re so beautiful. why cant your current self know that though? ive suffered so much from the bullying, it has totally altered my life. their words feel like they never drown out. they have become one with my own voice. i want to make them stop and thats what ive been working towards. i want to smile at people, and them actually seeing my smile. not behind a stupid, pathetic black mask. i want to feel beautiful as is and without anyone’s useless validation. thats what i really want. i never know how to explain my feelings and the only person who understands me for me is me. sometimes it gets so lonely by myself. but at least i know she’ll stay forever. who needs more than that? look, you have survived through everything that life has hauled at you. your armour is your faith in yourself. by the time you read this again, i hope you finally love yourself. i hope you stand up for yourself. i hope the only demons you face is when you stub your toe or accidentally leave your keys at home. you’re an angel. protect your energy. you are incredibly strong and that will never go away. if you are going through something right now, know that on this night you’ve been crying a lot and yet have the courage to write this heartfelt letter to someone who hasn’t even existed yet. you have love in you. spread it and be in it. i love you. and i hope you can say those words to yourself in the mirror too. no matter what, believe in yourself, and things will work out. you’re a total fking queen. own it. - 3.44am.