A letter from Dec 14, 2022

Dear FutureMe, 2022 was hectic, Year 9 is finally over. It doesn't feel right to be over, but here we are. I wrote a letter in 2020 and I can barely even remember what I wrote in there but what I know is that I do have to wait until 2023 Dec 03 I'm pretty sure. Let me just get to the point. Addy is gone, our relationship didn't last as long as I thought it would, I mean it was a long-distance relationship after all, so that was to be expected. We broke up. It affected me but I learned how to move on, I am very happy for her with the decision she has made and I hope she finds the person she is happy with. During that time, I worked on trying to find myself, who I want to be, and what I want to do. It was nice, I tried giving self-love, but it didn't feel right but every day I'm becoming more confident in myself. 2021. That was a very interesting year, but it was also very hectic. I found another person but it also didn't last very long, her name was Zahra, I'm sure you'll know who that is. The relationship was nice at first but later got very toxic, so I was the one who made the decision this time. I had to do something about it before she breaks me. And it was good, I later realised I wasn't happy to be with her and when I broke up with her I never felt so free and happy, it was a good decision. We are halfway into the year and I found myself with a group that made me feel valid, welcomed, and comfortable. It was nice. I was always with my best friend Ariana, we both did everything together, It was fun, I love her so much, she is the best friend that I could ever have. Everyone in the group was like me, we all related, and we shared many in common. I even caught feelings for one of them. Her name was Macey. we had a good run, it lasted 5 months... all the way from November 2021 to May 2022 and I have to tell you. It really really hurt when she wanted to stay friends. I knew the day would arrive, I had nightmares about it, I was an over-thinker, and I was worried she would leave me. And I was right, it happened. It's December now and it's been a month since the breakup, I'm still very broken from it and I don't think I'm ever going to recover. I know we have a dear diary on notes but, I will just show you here anyway, it is most likely you're going to delete it, but it's good to reflect back on what we did to cope, what we were feeling, and what we were thinking of. but here: - - Dear M… If she really loved me, why didn’t we just dated in private? Or or she could’ve talked to her mum how much she loves me and she want to stay together. Because right now, thats not happening. Thats a good enough reason that she doesn’t even love me, she could’ve tried you know. I wish i could tell her what is going on inside my head, but its hard since I’ve basically convinced myself she’s not into me anymore or i dont know. I kept asking my self the same question only to find out i have no answer, “do you still love me?” god… only she knows the answer to that, not me. “Im deeply in love with you and i dont want to lose you.”, so why did you lose me? Like i said we should’ve dated in private, if you really loved me that much you would do that. I know that i would do that, but why didn’t you? Is it because im too complicated for you? And that you could just lie that you “still” love me? Is it to make me feel better because it is not working at all. You may think im all happy face when im around other people but thats not im feeling, i tried to get you out of my mind but every single **** song just reminds me of you, every **** thing we used to do just makes me think of you every **** time. Everyday. I kept waiting and waiting for a response every time i tried talking to you but i guess when you’re doing nothing you just dont respond at all huh? I guess that reaches my conclusion, you don’t love me. You’re never going to see this, unless you snoop around my phone for some reason. Please talk to me macey, you’re making me lose my mind. 28 June 2022 10:04am It been a while, there has been… progress but sometimes we dont talk, like at all. I dunno. Sometimes we actually have conversations then the next day we dont blah blah blahhhh… i mean i think its great that we are talking. Sometimes. God why do you do me like this Mace, i just wish that everything would go back to normal. I wish i could talk to you more. I really really fancy you. **** you cant even read this. I miss you, you probably don’t. I want to try this relationship again, i hope you feel the same. You’re already starting to fade away from my life and I… dont want that. If i could be yours again, i wish to do better, i wish that i wont be as complicated like i was. i really want to get better, to be there for you. You may not love me anymore but id be more than happy to be friends again, id be more than happy to see your sweet pretty smile again. 14 September 2022 6:39 pm Played volleyball. Didn’t really feel like it, i was tired. She was also there. God. I really do miss Macey. Im stupid to think that i moved on, but really I just… didn’t want to think about her, it hurts. Volleyball was interesting, i suppose. I didn’t really felt like playing it, i wasn’t in the mood. Being in her presence just makes me want to cry, i cant stop thinking about her. anyways there are the volleyball boy team, the popular girl team, the furries (the try-hard-thinking-they-are-better-than-anyone boys), and then then us. Me, kai, olivia, sophie, ariana, nicole, astin, Macey. We did good i guess. I suppose i did try a little bit, kept getting hurt though. Every time i carried, Macey would give me a high five, i think she tried to hug me once. I don’t know, im overthinking. So now my knees are dead, my forearm are sore, my whole body covered in bruises, how lovely. But not as lovely as her. 15 September 2022 6:00pm I dont get why im always the one texting her first, i dont get why she would make me wait for her when she treats me like i dont exist. She was gone for a few days last week, i didn’t know where she was, or how she was. No one told me where she went, but i didn’t think too much of it. Now that she came back not a single word came out of her mouth to answer me, not a single word. “Hey how you doing? I feel like we haven’t talked in a while” - delivered. So i get nothing? Nothing from you? Not even how your day was? Or where you were? Am i being too forward? Am i too much? All i know is that you wont even talk to me. I just want you back Macey, i really do. I thought we were going to try again. You said that. I finally found hope and you crumbled it all up by ignoring me. Maybe im overreacting. What went wrong? I thought we were happy. What about us? 26 October 2022 8:33pm Am i the problem? Did i start this. Why is it now that she ignores me, why does it hurt so much. I thought that maybe one day i wouldn’t think of the break up, all the memories, i though that maybe i no longer had to feel this burden again. But why is it now you decided to do this to me, i finally become more comfortable talking to you and now, thats gone. If you could at least just say hi. Or something, anything. Have you really moved on? If so why is it me who cant? Why cant i move on? It might be because i still love you. Do you…? 28 October 2022 11:22pm Things should’ve have gotten better ever since. I mean its been what? 4 or 5 or 6 months? Im still not over you. But why does it look like you have. Have you? Ive heard from kai that you were scared to fall in love with the same person. Why are you? Am i still the problem to our relationship? Why are you afraid? I really want to have a second chance. So i can be better, i can communicate. I’ll try to not be as complicated as i was before. Ill tell you about my feelings. I just want you back. Even if you dont i just want to have a normal conversation with you in person. I really want to try and retrieve our relationship back, but do you want me to? Do i get a second chance? These feelings are never going to go away, i know that for sure. If i tried, just by looking at you, they’ll come back. You’ll probably never going to see this of course but maybe one day. I might reach out to you about them. 10 November 2022 6:07pm I guess things has gotten better. I always thought that it was impossible… but you made it possible. There going to be nights or days where i may miss our old times, hanging out, sleepovers, generally just being with you. There are going to be nights that i will cry for you, cry about you, cry with you. It hurts to think that you might not feel the same anymore, this was what i was afraid about. I mean maybe we would try our relationship again, I really do want to try again. I want to be better, i want to be there for you, i want to know you more… but i’m scared i’m going to ruin our relationship that i just retrieved. I just got you back after all. I hope that one day i can express my feeling towards you again. The hole in my chest hasn’t grown any smaller since you left, what has is my desire to fill it. I realised I’ll always miss you, I always love you and It’s okay to care. I’m happy I do. I always care about you. 12 December 2022 5:15pm - - That was the last diary entry that I will ever write. I'm not sure if you're still continuing it but, I would like to hear about it in the future, I think it would be nice. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? Right now I hope she gives us another try. another chance. I really do miss her, I miss the things we did together. But... if she doesn't want to try again, I think I can understand. I just hope she finds the person she really loves, and is happy with. I will respect her decision even know I know it's going to affect me. But anything, ill do anything to make her happy. Let's say we worked things out with her, make sure you tell everything to her. If you got this letter, show her, it would be nice to reflect on what you were feeling during that period. If not, I'm proud of you if you made it this far, I know it's hard but, we're strong. We get through the toughest times and I know we'll get through this too. Try and enjoy every moment, while you still can. I never thought I would say this to my future self but... I love you, remember to take care of yourself, eat, drink, and do something productive. Remember Mou, keep looking ahead, and value the good memories you have. Until we meet again, Lucoaa to Mou.