A letter from Nov 22, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Nahihiya nako para sa sarili ko, gagi consecutive for two years this month of november is the month of feeling lonely shet literal two letters from futureme yun bukangbibig sulat ko dito de pota, ang malala pa is I am still the ******* same, still ******* lonely still facking alone pero this past month nakakapanibago since atleast di na sya ganun kalala, nasa accepting stage na ata ako like wala na kong pake ket maging single ako buong twenty years ko shet. Mukhang yun tlga mangyayari I can feel it, I learn to accept of me being an aro/ace kasi for sure ket kung may dumating man for sure lalayo ka or tatakbo kasi bobo ka iba nga kasi yung way of emotions and feelings mo sa nakakarami, you can't reciprocate what they want. You are scared of your emotions, you're not strong enough for love. You haven't even fallen in love it matter of fact you can't feel that, you won't understand that... Siguro na gaslight kona sarili kona hindi ko tlga kaya makita sarili ko in a relationship kaya yun na tlga din way of pag iisip ko literal I can't see myself holding hands with someone, hugging them and .... being intimate with them which is so ******* sad, I'm already old enough but I still feel like I still can't do them, I feel so old yet feel so young at the same time, I know nothing about that subject., none. I don't even know if the person I'm still thinking about is the feeling of liking someone or I just made a different version of them that I like I don't even know that person for like 4 years now and he still pops up in my head, although I know it's not that deep. kasi may mga times na I have had short time crush around me for the past 2 years romanticizing them even though I'm aware na hindi tlga sila ganun irl. Plus romanticizing short moments of kilig or short moments of eyecontact, I think about them for awhile and then don't. Yun lng siguro nagpapasurvive saken kaya siguro d ako ganun ka lonely although I know I also wouldn't want anything coming more from that, I wouldn't handle that... ok bye kain nako tanghalian, si mama lang kasama ko sa bahay onsite sila mot at ced si tehkai nasa bataan kakatapos lng klase ko nung nakita ko may another letter from the past that says im so ******* lonely at the first sentence shet.