A letter from Nov 19, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I’m writing this as a freshman in high school. It’s the 19th of November at 10:46 pm. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. With quite a few things, mostly the overarching question of my future. It’s about this time in life where the adults all around you ask what you’d like to be when you grow up, what college you’d like to go to, so on and so forth. Except I’ve never had a clear answer. I fear that unknown, the uncertainty, the doubt, and the possibility of failure. This fear has been building up for a long time inside of me, but I’ve always brushed it aside. Everyone always told me it would come to me soon, that I would have time to think about it. I’m not just talking about college, but my whole future life. I’ve never had an interest deep down that pulled me in one direction. I’ve never been the girl who’s known she wanted to be a nurse since she was 6. I was never the guy who knew he wanted to be a lawyer since the day he popped out of the womb. And again and again I’ve tried to suppress the feeling of the unknown and the feeling that I didn’t have a calling or a purpose in life. What is life? What is my existence for? Deep questions like that have me veering off into a chaotic and deep reading path. Nothing has ever stood out to me as “wow, I want to do that when I grow up.” I guess what I’m trying to express is that I feel lost and isolated without any passion or interest to guide me. After all, I only have less than 4 years until I’m in college. Which college? Who knows. Studying what? Who knows. Will I be happy? Who knows. Over the years I’ve put this pressure on myself to find my path and to finally feel at place. It hasn’t been until tonight that I’ve had this existential crisis gnawing away at me that I realize I really have no idea who I am… Who I’m meant to become. What I WANT to become. That was quite the rant. I am just so so scared. So frightened. In just three years I’ll leave the nest. I’ll have to fend for myself in the real world. And at the moment the country doesn’t seem to be headed for the better. Maybe I’ll move abroad, find my true love, and feel fully free and accomplished. Maybe I’ll find my true calling and work passionately. Maybe I won’t. And if that’s the case I’ve made an oath to myself to never let myself feel worthless or unsuccessful. I’m living a life as me. I have a loving family, and a home. And at the end of the day, I have ME.