A letter from Nov 18, 2022

Dear FutureMe, its been rough. i can't do this. i can't fulfill all the expectations. the thought of my career makes me cry. i used to be the most intelligent kid in class. now i am at the bottom. maybe i am not that smart. i feel different. 11th grade changed me so much. i cried while getting ready for school yesterday but i wiped my tears to hide them from mom. after reaching school i could not hold it in. i started crying . luckily only one boy[nivedit] was in the class. i was so upset that i told him what i felt. he tried his best to console me but he was a shy kid who was not able to do much.i warned him not to tell anyone that i cried but in the middle of math class i started weeping again. i did not know what came over me. after the period ended i called my mom and told her i had a headache [evev though i did not]. she got worried and told me she will come pick me up. while i waited for her i started crying in the corridor again. my classmates were trying their bets to console me. they tried their best to tell me that i am not worthless or a waste. i felt like such a terrible daughter. my parents are spending a lot on my education. dad's retirement is nearing still he sends me to the best coaching centre he can find. and here i am being a crybaby and wasting all of his money. nandini even accompanied me to the sick room . she hugged me and talked to me while i was crying and having a runny nose. she stayed with me until my mom came. she even missed her physics class although i am sure that she just wanted a reason to bunk her class. when mom came i started crying again.she asked me what was wrong and i told her that i didn't deserve her coming to pick me up. she was apalled and told me it was alright.she directly took me to the hospital. i got a little worried about what i would tell the doctor. dr. checkrd my vitals and asked me which part of my head pained and if i ever had this problem before. i lied to him. and i could see by his expression that he knew i had lied. he thena sked me how my studies were going on and which grade i was in . i culd not hold it in any longer. i cried alot while the dr. tried to tell me to study hard and concentrate on my academics as it mattered the most in my life right now. mom just sat there silently. she had always seen me as a class topper. i hadn't not been in the top three students since kindergarten. maybe my brain is not capable of doing this. the dr. gave me some medicine for headache and told me the only cure to my problem was to work hard. i came home from the hospital. mom acted like nothing had happened. she understood that i did not want to talk about the breakdown i just had. we did not speak about it and acted like everything was normal. she told the housemaid about it when she thought i wasn't listening. when dad called she went away and i think she told him about it too. i don't know how he will react . he spends a lot on my education and i don't want to disappoint him. i did not go to school today also. i feel rotten. today was to be children's day celebration in my school. but i still did not want to go. the thought of a teacher asking me a question and me not being able to answer him makes me shudder. i cried for some time in front of my mom again. i can't do engineering and i have also been having sucidal thoughts lately. its hard to stop them from overpowering me. i don't deserve this life, my friends, my school and all the love and support that i get from my parents. i am not worth it