A letter from Nov 09, 2022

November 9, I just finished reading that book. I've started reading a lot actually and I'm getting higher expectations from men haha. I'm writing this sitting on my couch in Frogner, Oslo. It was my roommates birthday today and I actually cared enough to buy her a gift and blow up balloons. The last years I haven't cared about life so I couldn't find myself to care about someones birthday. This year has been hard. I thought 2020 was hard because of corona, dad dying and not getting a job, but I was living in Sydney and had great friends. 2022 is probably the worst year so far and nothing specific has happened to me. No lockdowns, no family members has passed. I got help. I have been struggling with my mental health for many years now and I finally go to the doctor to get help. After waiting 4 months for an answer about getting a therapist I get told no. That's when I break, I had to go back and forth to the doctor telling my story over and over only to not get a therapist after waiting 4 months. Getting help can be really exhausting because you're opening up all your feelings and emotions you have been hiding for years. I couldn't work, eat or do anything. So I went to a private doctor and finally someone listened and I got put on a 3 month waiting list for a therapist. I'm so tired of waiting, I hate waiting. This year, in February, I was the closest I have been to ending my life. I was 23 years old and my life was sleeping all day, not eating or just eating frozen pizza, I didn't have any other friends then my roommates, and my whole body was aching and tired. I was so tired and alone and the only thing I had "energy" to do was to get drunk every weekend. I couldn't understand how I have to live for many more years and have to wake up everyday and eat and work. I was drunk and said something that triggered my suicidal thoughts, that was literally my 13th reason, I decided to go home and end my life, but I'm writing this so I obviously didn't go through with it and I'm starting to be glad I didn't. I still struggle with understanding how I'm supposed to wake up everyday and live my life for many years but I'm trying to focus less on myself and more on Jesus, I am living my life because Jesus wants me to and he has a plan for my life. This summer something triggered another episode so I sent my friends a goodbye message because I knew I wasn't gonna live much longer, maybe a year or two I just didn't know how to end my life without hurting my family, but at least I didn't have to hurt my friends if I leave them years before. Then I got my diagnosis, ADHD and avoidant personality disorder with traits of borderline. Then I went to church for the first time since Australia and I felt this longing. Even tho the service was boring and everyone was old it changed something in me. I had been mad at God for allowing my dad to die while I was in Australia and having to go home, but after getting diagnosed I realised I had to go home so I could get help. Being so low in life that all you want to do is die has made me realise that I cannot do this on my own, I need God to give me strength and peace. Because I wanna live for my family, and I know life is still gonna give me storms but God will get me through them. I started bible school and medication, I got out of that toxic environment and I feel a lot better. I am still tired everyday, by body has been through a lot, but I have this hope back that I lost. I have dreams again. I am sad without wanting to die. I feel alive! I also think God healed me from my personality disorder and borderline traits because I was a leader for a youth camp and a few days before I had an episode and hurt myself again, I had to get stitches, and then I was at camp crying because I felt left out from my class so I prayed to God that he would give me strength to be a good leader for these kids. Half hour later I get a rush of energy and my social anxiety is gone and I welcome all the kids. The rest of the camp I feel so good and the next day and the next day and it's been a month and I still feel that same energy for life. I think God healed me that day, just me praying a quick prayer, no pastor praying over me, no music to set the mood, just me coming to God at any time of the day. I still have adhd haha but I get medication for that and I'm gonna learn to use it as a strength. I'm also still lonely a lot, I probably think I always will be. You're 27 and a half now, turning 28 soon! I hope you have experienced feeling loved and wanted. I hope you have best friends you talk to everyday and friends you meet occasionally, I hope you have energy to keep in touch with people. I hope you're content with your life and don't feel any pressure to own a house or have a study but I hope you rather have a life filled with adventure and friendship and love. I hope you wake up happy to be alive, energised and have lot's of things to do today. I hope your days are filled with a job you love, meeting friends for lunch, going to the beach, serving at church, reading books, going out to dinners, going out dancing! you're still so young, even tho I feel like I lost all the best years I still have so many good years to come. Don't think too much about me or our past, enjoy your life! I hope you are proud of me, I am so proud of you and I am so excited to be you when I grow up. xx anna