A letter from November 6th, 2022

Dear Ashley, Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to disappear, traverse into nonexistence and observe the world around me. I would like to know if I’ve made a difference in the world, an impact, an influence. I want to know what it feels like to save a life, to inspire, to love. It may be a saviour complex fuelling this because I act in accordance of what people think of me, but isn’t that what makes all choices in life? I have realised for quite some time now that I am selfish. Selfishness is present in everything I do, and it is easy to ignore the success it has given me for fear of being rude or boastful. The choices I make are deeply rooted in what I believe will make others think positively of me. I try to pretend that I don’t care by making irrational decisions, but sometimes it is at the cost of others. My attempt at not being selfish has caused me to be careless. I try to pretend that nothing really matters, but I don’t want to lose myself to apathy. I want to be selfish. I want to believe myself as important. I want to succeed. To have a purpose. My future is not here yet, but I dearly wish for it to be fulfilling. Happy 18th birthday. Love, Ashley