A letter from Oct 21, 2022

Dear Qi, Today you are sitting on your bed crying after doing a 4min Calm meditation session with your mom. You just finished a Strictly Strength class at Lifetime. Are you still doing that? If not, you should. You just had another first: first time sitting in the shower crying. But in all seriousness, hello. I'm currently listening to Sign of The Times by Harry Styles. It is the song you listened to on repeat to stop your manic episode in July. You were not in a good place. I found out I have bipolar. These last 6 months have been a STRUGGLE, in all sense of the word. You struggled to start your Fulbright job and you were forced to withdraw, you struggled with your relationship, you struggled graduating college. But the thing about a struggle is: it was hard AND you still did it! You made it through, against all odds! Jess called it a miracle. Everyday, I continue to be in awe of your internal strength and resilience. I didn't know you had it in you. I know that in the future, you'll just be a stronger, bolder person who can withstand more than unimaginable. I am confident in this fact because I have already been managing to withstand the unimaginable. I never, in a million years, would have expected this diagnosis. I had no idea my mental health was deteriorating this much. I never, in a billion years, would have thought that you would be in a mental hospital, not once, but three, four times. But, the craziest thing is, you're learning to care more about yourself than you ever would before. You're learning what you want out of life, although I'll admit that I'm still trying to figure it out and maybe it'll keep changing and shifting as I grow older. Nonetheless, you have withstood this mental health diagnosis that high-school-me would never have recovered from. And I'm not going to pretend that it was easy. That first time I got out of the hospital, in May, I thought my life was over. My ambition was gone. I was heavily sedated and in absolute shock over what happened to me. I couldn't cope or comprehend what was happening. Flash forward to October. I've gone through 12 weeks of DBT group training, and I'm graduating next Thursday. I'm starting to see a new therapist, Jill Stein. I'm going to workout classes and I enjoy painting from supplies at Michaels. I started a painting/therapy Insta. I've been volunteering at this horse therapy place, and it's so relaxing. I have hope again for the future, and it's crazy that I'm hopeful because I still have no signed job offer, I had to quit my current job, and I lost my close friends and ex. But I'm here, I'm alive, I'm still breathing, kicking, and moving around. Now, all I have to learn is what to do with my boredom. Here's to hoping I found something neat (future me would know, so let me know). Best of luck along your journey of life, Yours truly. P.s. I admire you everyday. So, if you're out there, whether you're having a good day or bad, know that past you is proud of current you. I know that the last time you sent one of these, I read it after the hospital and I felt nothing - disgust, numbness, embarrassment. This time, I have no expectations for the future. Just hopefully you aren't homeless... That would be bad. But I know you got this! I trust in you. If it hasn't happened yet, it will, or it wasn't meant to be. Jia you.