A letter from Oct 13, 2022

Hi! Hello! I am addressing this to my 'official' end of degree date, though I'm not sure when exactly you graduate. Aaaaanyway... Congratulations! You made it! Four years' worth of work are now behind you (ready for a lifetime more??) I'm just about to reach the one-month mark of when I first got to uni, and I wanted to share my thoughts and have you reflect a little bit on the last four years (and maybe the future? who knows) I'm 90 days away from turning 18, so I'm still technically a child (and my flatmates make sure they remind me of it). Being a minor in university is... rough. No clubbing, or pubs, I need parental consent, I can't have a regular bank account, all that ****. I'm excited to be 18 to not have to deal with all these extra legal steps. My first few weeks here have been, uh... hard, I guess. I feel lonely, and depressed, and it feels so much colder here than it is at home, which makes it even harder. I miss my friends, I miss my family, and, Hell, sometimes I even miss my ******, ******, ****** high school. I guess I'm at that part in the show when the main character realizes college doesn't solve all (or any) of hisproblems: I still hate myself, I'm still walking around with undiagnosed issues, feeling disconnected from the world, usually too depressed to do anything even basic like putting my clothes away or brushing my teeth, I still get misgendered on the daily, I still have severe anxiety, I still hurt myself, I still can't bring myself to eat properly, I still wince when I think about he-who-must-not-be-named back when I turned 15, I'm still in love with the same person after two years even though he moved on long ago. Needless to say, I'm still a virgin. I don't think anyone's surprised by that statement. Maybe, if I was 18 I wouldn't be. Maybe I would've gone home with the first person I met the very first night to forget it all. I don't want to have *** with randos, but I feel like that's the natural progression of my character. I feel like I'm the type of person to sleep around even if I don't like it just as another way to self harm. The thing is, I can't really picture myself having *** with anyone. I dunno, I guess I always thought I'd lose my virginity to him, and now that I know that won't happen, I can't really think of anyone else. Even in a hypothetical sense. He's the only hypothetical. I think I've gotten a little off topic, so I'll reel it back in. I like my course, that's one positive. My classes are really interesting and engaging. It's the only thing that makes this whole thing bearable. Well, that and the very few friends I've managed to make. Without them, I'd probably have dropped out already. I'm writing a lot (kinda have to, it is my degree after all). That's a lie. I was writing the second draft of my project, but I finished it and now I can't bring myself to write anything new. My day usually goes: wake up, shower (sometimes, if I have the courage to take the five steps from my dorm room to the ensuite), get dressed, go to class, come back, stare mindlessly at the first show I can think of for hours, go to the kitchen to force myself to eat dinner, talk to my flatmates while they feel far away, go back to my room to listen to music and try to cry, sleep, repeat. This isn't really the 'college experience' I'd been dreaming of. Luckily, I go home in 64 days for Christmas break. I'm quite literally counting the days until I board the train home. I can't wait to see my family and friends. After Christmas, I still got like 2.5 months before next break. That's so long. I dreamt of studying abroad FOREVER, why is it that now that I'm here, all I want to do is go home, back to my bedroom and back to my friends? Now, I'm gonna tell you a few hopes for college: 1. I hope I get close enough to my friends here to have them feel like home 2. I hope I get to go to UC Berkeley in my year abroad 3. I hope I stop getting misgendered to much 4. I hope my writing improves and I learn to write poetry 5. I hope I get good grades 6. I hope I get into a good school for postgrad 7. I hope I fall in love with someone who loves me back 8. I hope I like myself 9. I hope I become happy 10. I hope I eventually stop missing my home so much 11. I hope Iget something published 12. I hope I get fit 13. I hope I get a good/fun job 14. I hope I like this country more I had this whole plan to ask you questions about my life in the future, but i guess they've mostly been answered in my hopes. Still, I guess I'll leave you with one question: What next? Where to? Are you staying in England? Going to the US or Canada or Ireland? Are you doing a postgrad degree or getting a job? Again, congratulations. You made it. WE made it, even if it was really ******* hard. I hope you've found love and I hope that you're happy, I really do. I'm sure you'll hear from me soon, but good luck in the future! Best, 17-year-old me