A letter from Oct 03, 2022

Dear FutureMe, My job at i**m sucks. I'm trying to slow down my thinking so I don't end up ******* myself. Is that what all junkies tell themselves? I feel like I'm losing parts of myself. I'm tired. I don't want to die but I can't take this anymore. I'm trying, whatever I can do to not do that but it's hard. I feel like I don't love my partner anymore but honestly they are nice so maybe it's just me. I don't know. I need to escape this country. But what it I can't. Or what if I do and I'm still me? Will it ever end. What if by the time I have freedom i don't care anymore about anything. I want to hurt myself. My friend suggested to get myself some noise cancelling headphones so I can focus. They aren't my friend anymore but that was nice of them. I kept ignoring my autism and ADHD diagnosis but I feel like I need to accept that. I'm already taking meds for it. I don't know what's gonna happen. I need a lot of love because god**** it I have a lot of it to give. I wish I had that. But I don't have any energy as well. My company hasn't paid me for over 2 months now and I finally slept after a month properly, thanks to benzos. I wish I was better. I used to be so excited about life at times but I'm not anymore. Future me if you're still alive I hope you know I'm going through hell and that you made it out alive thank you! I hope you're not hard on yourself and are taking care of yourself. I love you ❤️