A letter from September 27th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, heyyy poohpooh. i hope you’re alright. just came to update you. nate and i ended our 5 month relationship for sure today. im on delivered for 15 hours but i don’t want to push him. im just going to try my absolute hardest and put my faith in god. just give the situation to god because, he’ll do what’s right. i know we’re meant to be together. i know we’re soulmates. i know we’re twin flames. i’ve always felt it. (i hope your more intuitive). it just hurts ya know. i really wish things would’ve worked out. maybe it’s not for us right now to be. and im trying to learn to be ok with letting him go. and forgive myself and stop blaming myself for what happened. we both had our faults. we both could’ve done better. now i know what i have to work on. i know what i need to do to process and im working on it. i wrote this today: mariah i forgive you, and i’ll always love you no matter what. even though you’ve made a big mistake it’s ok because i know we didn’t know any better. we thought we were doing the right thing for us, and maybe we were. we cannot predict the future. nor can we live in it, so all we can do is move forward. you love nate so much so it’s ok to let him go. it’s ok. everything will be ok. the universe is working in our favor always. we are divinely protected. always. you’ve always known you were special in some way, so now it’s time to let your specialty shine. show off your uniqueness no matter who’s watching. stand tall and never forget who you are and where you came from. people will talk all day, and that’s ok. they’ll say good and bad, but if you don’t know them what they say doesn’t matter. you mean the world to us. and others think so too. you may not feel that right this second but it’s very true. if you’re not feeling it from others, feel it for yourself. you are more than enough for anyone. you are more than enough for yourself. for us. never forget that. you aren’t a waste of space. you are the moment and the moment always shine. bring you head high and block out all the negativity. be happy. make yourself happy. be happy with yourself. accept yourself just in case no one else will. you can yourself. you are more than capable. so believe it. and show it. always. i love you.” i love i did that. right now nothing is exactly stable for me. but i know while you’re reading this you’re sitting at a dinner table with people you love and love you. even when we don’t feel it all the time. which is something i have to work on. i made a list of things i learned about myself that i’d like to work on a fix. none of which will take days or weeks, but months and years of dedication. i know everything will fall into place when the universe knows im ready for it. i know this with nate was to help me learn a lesson and realize a few things i was denying. but it really opened my eyes. i really don’t feel like i’ll ever love someone like i love him. i’ll never stop loving him. i hope we find each other again when we’re both healed and when we can both grow together. i’ve balled my eyes out about him and asked god why i did this. but im slowly coming to terms with my reality that we are no longer. and i have to let go. i really really don’t want to. but i have to. it’s needed if i want to be able to heal and prosper genuinely. I’ll never love someone like him. he was perfect with a few kinks that could’ve been worked out. but we tried. and the universe told us that we weren’t ready for each other. maybe we never will be. maybe we will. i betrayed his trust twice by blocking him. he constantly dismissed my feelings and was emotionally unavailable. i wished i could help him grow but i needed to grow myself so the universe took us apart. i’d love to hear we found each other again when we are healed and we get married and have kids. but there’s a possibility that won’t happen, and im trying to be ok with that. and realize that i have to want to change for me. not for him. not for us. for me. it’s going to take some time to fully get me to open my eyes and heal completely, but im willing to do so for me. im ready for a new change in mind. im excited for what’s next. i know the ending of our relationship taught me a few lessons. one was i need to learn to be patient, two was i need to listen to myself and myself heart only not tik tok and outside sources, three is that i need to learn to make myself happy always. really happy be the source of my happiness. i didn’t expect us to last as long as we did because i expected him to leave me and play me, im more than happy he didn’t and that’s one of the many reasons i love him now. god i love him so much. but i know i have to let him go. i really wanted us to be FOREVER like i literally planned a wedding, idk if you remember that by now but i wanted to walk down the aisle to “till forever falls apart” by finneas and ashe. like i wanted our kiss under the alter to be to that song. but it’s ok, maybe in another lifetime we’ll be together. maybe in this lifetime we’ll be together. but for now i know i must focus on myself. my wants, my needs, my desires. it’s just best for me to go into hermit mode and work out my kinks cause i have quite a few to work through. i hope he knows i love him with all my heart and i never meant to hurt him. but i made a list of things we need to work on right now: - being transparent and being vulnerable (two diff things) - communicating how i feel always, even if im not heard it feels better knowing i got it out - telling the truth - learning my worth and sticking to it - setting boundaries - speaking up, no matter who it may hurt - not living in my head - stop letting things boil up - doing things out of anger or sadness - self sabotaging - realizing not everyone will think im pretty - not doing things i wouldn’t want done to me - realizing both perspectives (it’s not just my fault) - being honest with myself - being patient - going back on my word - not being scared of love or rejection - letting life live me - anxious attachment style let me know if we were successful, i believe we will be i can’t wait for the day i can wake up and feel at peace in my soul. i can’t wait for the day i wake up and im happy i went through all i went through, that’s why im still pushing and i know i can’t give up, because that end result will be the biggest piece of cake i’ll enjoy for eternity. i was going to make this public but now one kinda second guessing it. but idk we’ll see. if it’s meant to be it’ll be. i know that. so im going to put my trust in god. trust him with my soul. give in to him, because i know i’ll find happiness. im excited for my 15th birthday even though i don’t have anything planned. im still excited. i feel kind of bad because i didn’t cry more over grandmas *****. but i don’t think it’s fully hit me yet. i know we’re successful today, so tell me how it feels :). but it’s night so i must slumber and attend school tomorrow :(. i hope school is cool when we move. let me know. but anyway i must scurry, i love you always pooht, byeeeee. uhm i just had an idea that i want to predict the future so im going to do so. so i predict that we will heal until i turn 16 and when im 16 i’ll be almost completely healed. i predict we will go to florida for my 16th birthday just makayla, possibly kiemara, and possibly chance. how’s devin? and michael? and makayla? and kiemara? and Q? and tyre? and tyson? how’s mom and dad and all of our aunts and uncles. do you have a boyfriend? anyways i predict that we will be back with nate somehow by the time im 17 and hopefully he’s sitting at the dinner table right now smiling. i hope he gets along with our family and i hope you get along with his. i really hope we get married. i love him and he told me he loved me. ugh i just wish we could’ve lasted. but! the universe is looking out for us always so we’ll be alright. if he’s not at the table and you have a different boyfriend (read in mind: uhm ew what the **** is this? but if you’re happy im happy poohter) uhhhhh sorry if this is awkward for him… ughhhh im just really in love and feel like i always will be, but im only 14 so who knows. (but i really feel like these feelings will last forever) and if you’re single now that’s baddie ated **** too. ACTUALLY WHERE THE **** IS RILEY. i didn’t even bring him up, he actually has to still be our best friend, i already know we are no need to ask. but anyway i know we have our successful singing career by now, that’s super slay. how’s that? how’s makaylas acting? michaels rapping? let me know. but no seriously i have to go to bed now, so bye i love you byeeeeeee