A letter from Sep 24, 2022

Oh God. I've been saying that a lot lately. "Oh God" because the laundry machines were all full when I made a trip to them. "Oh God" because Nat ran into the wall when dancing with Chris. "Oh God" because I kept spilling my tea on the floor. "Oh God" because I couldn't afford my medications at the pharmacy this week. "Oh God!" And it's been the strangest thing because every time I've said it since I saw those missionaries, "Oh God" has been followed in my mind with "the eternal father, we ask the in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify..." And now I'm saying "Oh God" again because I can't stop thinking about those missionaries, and how easy it was to talk with them and joke about the scriptures, and how good it felt even when they misgendered me and my friends, and how heavy the card they gave me with their phone number feels in my pocket. "Oh God" because I didn't throw out their contact information immediately. "Oh God" because I actually want to call them. "Oh God" because I don't know why I want to see them again, I don't know why I am so conflicted now because I know that it's wrong, GOD it's so wrong and I know it is. Oh God, why do I want to reach out, oh God is it because I want to try to get them out? Do I want to prove that ex-members are happy people? Oh God, or is it something far worse that's happening to me, Oh God, am I becoming who I used to be, oh God, Oh God, the Eternal Father... I thought that my de-conversion was an exhibition of Newton's Second Law of Thermodynamics. The entropy doesn't decrease, ever. You can't unstir chocolate chips from cookie dough by moving the spoon backwards. I've seen the Church for what I know now that it is. Things can't be reversed, things can't regain order. They can't, I won't let them. I need to through out the card. But I used to say that about Sister Ewell's card too- the one that says "I will forever remain faithful in defending my part of the battle line", or something like that, and something even more Christian on the other side (though that side came off when I put my wallet through the washing machine). I need to throw it out because as energy is transformed, more energy is wasted. It should be nothing to me. It's supposed to be nothing to me now. I'm supposed to, I'm not supposed to...? Oh God the Eternal Father We ask Thee in the nameofthysonJescusaaCHRistaacdsv n.. ,098000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000