A letter from Sep 22, 2022

September 21, 2022 Dear Future Me, As you could probably guess, even all the way in 2025, I’m going to make this really cheesy. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things recently. I’m still really not sure what I’m planning on doing for the next couple of years. I know I want to do classes at Wake Tech, but I’ve started to realize how things might actually be when that time comes. Honestly, I’m scared. I’ve always been very anxious about the future, but I’m beginning to think that things are going to be basically the same for me. Things might be repetitive and I might fall into the loop again. Well regardless of all of that, I’m going to try to live, like actually live. I want to experience things before life can get in the way. Maybe I’m too in my head about this, but I don’t really feel at home anywhere. The closest thing I can think of is being with my sister in the front room of our house listening to music and singing/ dancing along. Those are good times that are sometimes hard to come by. Sometimes we get into arguments, but the fact that we’ve been closer since quarantine means a lot to me. Hopefully we’re still close like that in the future. I went back to Chick-fil-A even though I said I wouldn’t. Please, please, have a good job. You’ll be a highschool graduate, over 18, maybe have your associate's degree, so go out and get a really good job if you haven’t already. I hope you have gotten more hobbies, or at least get more into the ones I already had. If you don’t still paint or play video games, do something for fun. As of right now, I still have in my head that I’m boring, so I’m hoping you’re past that. Is music still a big part of your life? I listen to music everyday, during class, at home, all the time. Being able to interpret it however I want makes it easier to cope. It makes me feel like I’m understood all the way to my core. I think maybe it was my parents that really made me who I am. As much as they encouraged me to be more extroverted, it feels like I was put into the box of being introverted and I’ve gotten too comfortable there. Like I said before, I want to go out and experience things. Since this is a letter to a couple of years from now, you better have at least done a few things. Maybe learn how to drive at least. My sister has also really had an influence on me even though she’s younger than me. I listen to a lot of kpop music right now and that’s all because my sister introduced me to it 4 years ago. I’m sure other people have contributed to who I am today, but most were negative and I’d rather not say but I know in the future I could probably guess who all I’m talking about. I want to be happy. There’s no surprise there but it’s always worth mentioning. I want to be financially stable and at least content with life. I don’t know if I hope to be friends with Isabella in the future and I doubt I’d be friends with Kendall. This isn’t meant to be self deprecating or asking for sympathy, but I really hold Isabella back. I think sometimes I make her feel bad and I know she doesn’t hang out with other people very often because she knows I don’t really have anyone else. Kendall used to be my best friend but we hardly talk anymore. Hopefully you’re not as afraid of change anymore. You should be at least planning on going to Korea for a while to study and experience all new things. Live a little, I mean seriously. A couple things I expect to be a constant from me is my ability to balance logic with emotion and work hard. Balancing logic and emotion is a very useful skill to have because it could prevent me from making bad decisions based on emotion. I’ve only recently started putting effort into school but I’ve always put in a lot of work at my job. If I continue to work hard, I could probably accomplish anything I want. The hard part about that would be keeping up with working hard but I’m tired of not being able to do things all because I didn’t try. I’ve already talked about wanting to be happy or at least content, but I also hope you have a good support system and have gotten more comfortable with asking for help. There is no reason to stay miserable without at least trying to be better. Right now, I’m having a hard time and I feel like I’m slipping back into how I felt two years ago. The only difference from then and now is that at least now I have things to keep me occupied, but in the future there better be more that’s changed than just the date. Maybe by 2025 I’ll have the diagnosis’ for whatever it is that is going on with me, or maybe I won’t be so obsessed with having a name for what I feel. I hope you are more comfortable in your own body and mind that I am right now. Just remember all the times I’ve felt worse and yet I’m still here. Don’t give up. Sincerely, Past Me