A letter from Aug 26, 2022

Dear FutureMe, You are at a point in life where you have achieved all the goals you had set out to achieve since we could remember. Goals that almost seem would never come and when they were actually achieved you would cry and dwell in the joy that would come of it. Along the way you and mom would always reassure each other with the statement " this is going to be our year". Because in mom's eyes your achievements were hers as well and for you seeing her happy and giving her something to be proud was bigger than the accomplishments themselves. In retrospect every year was our year and the time I spend being a daughter has come to a close. You do not regret the decisions you've made or the actions you have taken but while I do feel relief and a sense of accomplishment, I think I lost myself along the way. Maybe it was because your sister defined who you were entirely and when she died you scurried to find an identity to call your own or maybe because you let your goals define who you were. Bottom-line is you are your own worst critic and you find it hard to find the energy to enjoy life and care for yourself and your new found freedom. Now you are making a conscious choice to train your subconscious to love herself as a natural instinct. The thought itself still makes you uncomfortable and you feel kind of stupid. But- for the time being the question will now be "why not" instead of "not me". The new goal is to "find myself" in the way you come back home after traveling around the world.