A letter from Aug 23, 2022

Dear FutureMe, You've woken from a bad dream. You dreamt that your papa is still alive and beating the **** out of your mama. He's choking your mama, and you are trying to stop him. You were shouting at him and saying nasty stuff- which angers him more. You dreamt that your mama was trying to placate the situation by saying she was okay even though the reality was far from the truth. You have woken from the dream with tears in your eyes. I think you have dreamed of him because subconsciously, you are thinking of him. August will always be his month- the month he died. You wished that you only dream of the good stuff, but you are so wrong. Your dad and your memory of him are mostly made up of the bad stuff. You thought that the wound has now been a scab, but it is still fresh than ever. Right at this moment, you are consumed with anger. You are blaming your mom for what happened. How did she allow this to happen to her children? Why stay? She is more than capable of supporting all of you three alone. You were thinking that if you were in her shoes, you would have run the moment he raised his hands. You are angry at your dad for dying, for not saying sorry for all his wrongdoings. He's the adult, he should have known better. You are angry at the world for putting you in this situation- wherein you'd flinch when doors are slammed. You are angry at your eldest sister because she would say that we should let him rest- to forgive and forget. You are angry at yourself for saying sorry to his coffin, to his dead body. It was never your fault. I hope you're getting professional help. I hope that whenever you think about your papa, you stopped being consumed with hate. I hope when you think of him, you only remember the good parts and brush off the bad parts. I hope you are healed or in the process of healing.