A letter from Aug 03, 2022

Venting. Maybe I'm emotional. Maybe I'm "too much". Maybe I'm not good enough or better than my siblings. I just feel unwanted. I constantly feel like crying, which I think is a mental issue I need a therapist for but I won't get one until next year. Mom is constantly mad at me and I don't think she's even hugged me in the past decade. She only ever shows affection when my dad reminds her to and it's ALWAYS half-hearted. Today she yelled at me for making a smoothie because I was wasting all her things. When I got visibly annoyed because I had already made it and she wanted me to throw it away, she grounded me from my phone. She's asleep now anyways. I don't think she loves me. She's never sincerely told me "Sym, I love you." All I get from her is a slap across the face for shutting a cabinet too hard or a grounding for being annoyed. Every time she comes home it's "why didn't you do this", "why does this stink", "why did you eat this"..I'm just done. I can't ever do anything right, apparently. I can clean her entire house for her and she'll find something wrong with it. Wait..but it isn't even her house. Wtf. Maybe mom and dad remarried by the time you're reading this but legally she has no rights to me nor does she own the house or even pay a single bill. The only thing she pays for is her car insurance and dad even has to help with that. I don't understand why dad keeps her around. He's always miserable and she doesn't bring anything to the table. She literally cheated on him twice (or more) and I have 2 half-siblings because of it. I just feel like I'm not good enough. My mom constantly treats my brothers and buys them things and hugs them and shares affection with them. But she glares at me even if all I asked was if I could go to the store with her to buy something with MY money. I think I'm having attachment issues because of it. I cling too tightly to any motherly figure (teachers, friends mom, etc.) I wouldn't say I'm abused, I just dont like this feeling. We had a real conversation last weekend but it was mostly just her telling me why I'm so annoying to everyone and that I shouls fix myself because it makes people uncomfortable. And I totally get that. I do have anger issues, especially when I live with and clean up after and cook for my 3 younger brothers. Sure, my dad's there, but he's too busy with PROVIDING FOR US. Unlike some people. And my dad..well, he's amazing and my best friend but we don't communicate well with emotions. He doesn't understand why I feel so much because his parents ignored his emotions, or weren't even around to care. So I get why he has so many issues with that. Overall he's amazing and I love him so much for what he's sacrificed for us. Back to mom. She just kept deflecting all her issues off on me. And I'll admit I do it too. After all, I learned it from her. Enough of mom. I'm crying again Brothers. Yes, brothers. 1 full, 2 half, but that doesn't matter. I absolutely despise them. Well, not really, but sometimes i do. One tells the baby/toddler to call me a s***, b***, and wh***, and my dad just laughs at it. When I cry in front of them I'm mocked but when I leave to go cry alone I'm yelled at by my dad to "sit down and calm down" while still being mocked. When I get mad it's "are you on your period?" "Hormones these days.." etc coming from my dad. It absolutely annoys me. I hope this has changed by the time you read this. I just don't feel like doing anything anymore. Good luck, Future Me.