A letter from Aug 01, 2022

Dear me I've never been religious, but always have been somewhat spiritual. i kept saying that but never knew the true meaning to it. I knew what faith was but never felt how truly powerful it was. I heard my religious friends talk abt it but never understood it, until i felt it. I can say that i have faith in someone. Truly, my fears and anxiety disappear, too weak in the face of my faith for her. I never felt this before and it was great. i felt strong and nothing could stop me. I mean, how could anything stop me if i couldn't even stop myself. It felt like all dark thoughts or insecurities just melted away. just like that. I then knew the feeling of having faith. But how can i live with someone that dont. Trust, shes never had and ive broken even more. but faith is something stronger than trust. I believe faith can rebuild trust. I believe faith can rebuild anything that is broken, no matter in how many pieces it has been left in. I believe the only way a relationship could work without trust is with faith. But to be with someone that doesnt have either? this is what I've gotten myself into. I chose to stay and still choose to so. why? idk. maybe cuz i think this is a good thing. maybe i believe it. maybe it'll hurt to much and I'm just a coward. or maybe this is my faith keeping me from leaving. i don't think this is a good thing because why stay with someone that doesn't want to fix things. ive asked myself this multiple times. yes, ive had my fair share of ******* up and maybe i deserve this. or at least im pretty ******* good at convicing myself that i do. but i feel like ive also had an unfair share of judgment and toxicity where i keep the blame for myself. maybe i want it to hurt so that i feel like the wrongs ive done can be atoned for. maybe i deserve this cuz she didnt deserve that. all i know is that i dont know what to do. idk if its true that she cant have faith. i refuse to continue with someone that will never have faith in me but i also refuse to believe that she wont. i don't know what to do. i never know what to say. all i know is that I'm scared my faith is her is whats keeping me in pain. or maybe i am wrong. maybe her faith comes in yhe form of not leaving. I mean, why hasnt she yet? ive given her all the reasons too apparently and that, since day 0. maybe, hopefully her faith is telling her the same thing. to stay and stay hopeful. to trust where trust cannot be given. to endure what shouldn't be endured. maybe i am wrong afterall to think in such a self-centered manner and to play the victim once again. those are perhaps the concequences of always taking blame for everything: you're used to always being the one thats hurt.