A letter from Jul 20, 2022

Dear Evie, Its July 20th 2022, 1:15 AM I’ve had a great summer, I’ve never felt so tired out by so much love and appreciation. I went to Cedar Point with my piano camp friends, I’ve never felt so hyped up by them. They would compliment me, and it just makes me happy of their presence. I’ve never felt so relieved if stress and worry. Honestly I only write that because I had a realization as I practiced piano. I never want to put the weight of myself onto anyone else, so why not just myself. This is my vent letter…to my older self. I’m starting to feel stupid and slow. I don’t know my 50 states, the capitals or where they are on a map. I don’t know my history. I need heads-up on quizzes because I sleep and I zone out. Its also the fact that I can’t retain facts. I feel stupid. Writing that makes me feel like maybe I’m not actully stupid, just slow. I am slow. I don’t realize basic knowledge, I can’t figure most things out that are logical and commonly known. When I guess to a question I’m not remotely close. I’m still taking lessons from Yolonda, and while I’m doing my homework I feel smart. Only than. Audreys catching up on her own and I feel stupid again. I’m also having 2 kinda identify crisis. On my 3rd BSA campout, 3 parents in our troop was I would say confronting me. Disclaimer, I take part in my words and I take responsibility. In a joke about why the Chinese Minecraft pact was better than the American one, I joked saying ‘thats because asians are better.’ My bad. Than one of the adults asked if I was even asian. Like where was I born. Oh, I was born in America? And than it finally caught me when he said “I guess than if we’re making up things now, I’m also a 14 year old asian girl”. The 2 other adults laughed. My 2 friends yelled at their parents that it wasn't cool and stormed away. I don’t know how to feel. I truly believed them. It’s my bad, I’m not even asian, who am I to say this. The most infuriating thing was, I felt like I was in a trap. So I sat there laughing at their jokes about me like it was ok. They asked me, what makes a person asian. I said “their environment”. What I truly mean is that I have been raised in a family of taiwanese people. I might not speak really well, but I’ve endured hardships by my parents. I think I’ve worked hard in life to earn when I am. Now I have someone questioning me about this. I hate it. I hate how I can’t speak up for myself. I can’t even form a single argument. I hate this. I needed to research. I am asian American. Born American, fully taiwanese blood. I’m proud and live being taiwanese. I think me being American is a fact. I haven’t told my mom, but maybe it’s my side overthinking but it’s like Blasi wants to push me over. Like he wants me to break out to my mom and “complain”. I’m don’t want too. My 10 year old brother got told to “go cry back to his stupid asian mom” by scouts from an scout event. I’ve never felt so boiled up. I’ve never wanted to threaten a kid. I can’t believe it. If it was me, I might just take it. If it my brother, I’m going out with a fight. I know that’s what they want, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. The worlds just messed up. I have no more strength to do much about racism. I just want to protect that mean a lot to me. On a separate matter I think it might be interesting for future, but at the moment I’m accepting the fact that I’m lesbian. I have nothing else to say. It’s a relief to finally know, after to much thoughts and so much time questioning. It’s final. Girls. On another note, I hate feeling regret, or stress. Especially stress. I felt that today. I felt it again, the same type from middle school. The overwhelming pressure of trying not to break. I came back from BSA camp, my fingers are fat and un-conditioned. My Hyden is ****. Hyden in C major hob. 50 Competition coming up, soon. I can’t play not memorize. Not including the fact I need a 20 minute performance. So I got lots more to actully stress on. I can’t decide if I truly want to do Honors ELA. Do I want the credit? Do I want to go through so much work? I need to move my scout rank up from second class. I need to make money. I need to be more on top of spending. I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to learn 10 more years and actully need to pay attention. I’m not ready. I’m figuring out a few things. The bad thing? I kinda…am ok with stress. To break down after so much stress is kind of relieving. Like the feeling of being able to do so much is amazing. The feeling of being able to relieve myself from stress is also amazing. Combined, it makes me feel…? Like to cry after a tiring day it just feels…ok…? It feels accomplishing. I hope in the future everything is fine. Abortion laws are out right now. I wish we could all unite and overthrow in justice like it was with Martin Luther King. **** have more laws than women. Pro-lifers say people are ******* children. That’s a lie. Abortions are “*******” fetus’s. However **** are ******* real children. Pro-lifers only focus on thinking abortions **** children. That people know ways to not get pregnant. A pro-lifer said after a girl said she was raped that she should just keep “her legs together next time”. It’s terrible. Rape is 5 years, Abortions 15 years. I’ve never felt a world fall apart from such stupidness. I heard that 60% wanted abortion to be legal. Yet the board choose to make it not. Women on that board, well like 2 just took away their barely there rights. I guess I was talking to a guy. He’s been I don’t know, ghosting me…and well after the Cedar Point trip…I don’t like him anymore. Online’s different than reality. He gets defensive easily, and I don’t know, maybe I’m *** so I can’t really tell. I see guys though and think their hotter than girls. Like a guy walked outta the shower hair slicked back after BSA camp I was like DROOLING. DAYUM!!! Well I met someone named Payton from BSA. He was a lifeguard. Since volunteers have to work there for like 2 months with little pay, I guess it gets a little boring. I enjoyed being in his company, I don’t think he cared, I’m fine with that. Updates with Mara situation. I feel like I was obsessive over this topic. I hated her, than I ignored her, and hated her even more for not realizing I was ignoring her, than I distanced from her. Now I feel bad. I forget why I hated her so much. Maybe it was the sense of how much I was vulnerable to her and I felt like she used it. Like she didn’t appreciate me. So I broke off and worked hard. Her moms trying to talk to my mom to get us back together. After I realized maybe I should try being friends, I realized I’m not choosing not too, I can’t. So maybe I won’t. By the way, I want to be a model. My body is something else. I’m ok with my body, I wished I worked out or lifted. Yay! I’m planning to do that soon with Henry. Sometimes I realize that I’m finally ok with myself, and than I realize how little it is compared to my problems. It’s more than just looks I guess. I want to get taller. I want a flatter stomach. I want to be healthier. I want better posture. I want a proportional hair bangs. My hair is perfect on one side and weird on the other…so my face also looks weird. Btw I feel totally weird around Andrey, so I hope he forgets about the date we kinda planned…we’ll I asked him out kinda…we’re not dating. I just feel grossed out by him. My inner kicking in? His mom drove me to Cedar and at the end I hugged his mom at the trunk and I look back at the car, and his brother, him, and his dad we’re all smiling and looking. Back at the Cedar point hotel it was crazy. We slept at 6 AM. We acted, we danced, lip syned to frozen, trash bag runway show, napping. Crazy stuff. Andrew’s mom’s kinda crazy not gonna lie. She was taking pictures everywhere, I felt like she was kinda intruding. I feel like that’s most parents though. Just felt it more with her. Love Andrew though. Thats enough for me to type, love love love from 14 year old Evie going into highschool in like a month. From, July 20, 2022-2:10AM Evie ❤️