A letter from me. 17 to 21 (Jul 17, 2022)

Hello Future Me! It has probably been a long time since I have sent you a letter from the past, but here I am now. On your 21st birthday. First off, happy 21st birthday to you! Now you get to legally drink! Not that you ever really cared to anyways. If my predictions are correct, then you’ll be graduating this year. I would also like to congratulate you on this great accomplishment. It seems like I only write letters to you when I am puzzled or have made a big realization in my life, and this is my way of expressing my emotions and not bottling things up; write letters to my future self. Maybe it's because I think you'll look back on this and remember that with all good times come the bad or challenging. As Zora Neale Hurston said, "There are years that ask questions and years that answer." Not only is this the reason I write these letters, but it's also because you can look back and tell me that you got out of the storm or something has changed. So, back to my realization. I've come to the realization that I might not have kids, and I am becoming okay with that. I am coming to terms that it is feasible for me not to have kids in this world. Even though having a football team of children is something that I will ALWAYS want, I am starting to understand that even though you want it to happen so much and chase it all your life, it still might not even happen then. For the LONGEST now, I have only ever wanted one thing to happen as my end goal in life; to have a huge (over 10,000 sq ft) custom-built neoclassical french home with my lovely husband and 5+ kids. Also to be a stay-at-home mom with a black LX, gray Lincoln Navigator, and a blue BMW X7. That's an amazing dream but recently, I've been looking at the world in a whole new light and there is so much to do and explore! I understand that there's so much more to life than this little bubble that I've wanted to put myself in for a while. I want to create a BEAUTIFUL passive income and travel the world! There are so many places that I want to see but won't be able to for a while because I know my family doesn't have the means to do so. Don't get me wrong, we are doing pretty well but not enough for me to just travel the world without looking at the price tag for anything. Right now, I also want to say that love or any type of new romantic relationship is not in the cards for me and it won't be in the cards for me for a while. It's not something I want right now, especially after my dose of a slightly toxic relationship (Jason). Even though it's been a while and I have healed from it, I just want to build friendships and long-lasting relationships. I want to build myself up and become a self-sufficient person. Self-sufficient enough to not need anybody and do all of this on my own. My construction firm will be glorious! Everything that I will build will be my legacy and flourish for many years to come! At this point in my life, I don't want my sheltered lifestyle dream to come to fruition as much as I used to and all I want now is to build something unforgettable for myself and travel to the bluest seas and snowiest slopes! I want to explore life and everything there is to offer before I go. And if I have a child along the way, I wouldn't mind too much. Don't get me wrong, I will always love children and they will be the light of my life, but I am not so opposed to the idea of not having kids anymore. I also understand that my condition usually implies infertility so I am going to digest this revelation a little more. It's a sad thing to say, but it's not something that I should deny is wrong with me. Maybe I'll always just be the amazing, rich aunt that always travels and has a suspicious stream of income 😂 Also, you know that we had/have a college bucket list so here are the tops things that are on it that I hope you/we have completed. -🌟LOSE WEIGHT🌟 -Study Abroad -Stargaze in the quad -Have a spring break away If not, then I won't be disappointed, just hopeful your college experience was fun and not boring. I have not told anybody about this realization as this is something that I want to keep to myself. I think the hardest part about finally coming to terms with this dream is that I won't have anybody to love, care for, nurture, and grow. And that I'll be lonely. My siblings, parents, and future nieces and nephews will always be the love of my life but I feel as if it's not the same thing as having your own significant other or child. It's a beautiful thing to have the finer things in life and to have an empire but what's the point of having it if there's no one to share it with? No one to love by my side... how do I really feel about it? It's sad but it's a reality that I need to face because if I decide to build a life for myself with the empire and explore the world, there's no way that I could have my previous end goal in life happening. Life is crazy and complicated and there are times when you need to make hard decisions but I am okay with this decision. This is my new end goal-to build an unforgettable legacy and live my life experiencing everything that I would miss if I were to have kids. It's hard to think about a lonely life like this, and I'll come to full terms with it soon enough but maybe I will always long for the life of having many beautiful children with everything I would ever want and need.