A letter from Feb 24th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, Do you know what I realized? Actually as always - a lot of things, a lot of disappointing things about life. Because I'm lazy -hopefully not anymore- I didn't contact you a long time and now, while I'm writing this letter I'm becoming sad and almost unable to breath as always. I miss you. I hope you are okay and have everything you want or at least everything you need. I have been reading since summer "The end game" by Catherine Coulter and J.T. Ellison, it's probably the best book I have ever read and that's even more disappointing, it's not even that good. But I'm looking forward and I wanna read a lot of books in the near future. I'm really exited about book "They both die at the end", it sounds interesting, it has good story, queer representation, excellent idea,.... I can't wait. I watched an excellent, incredible movie yesterday called "Dead poets society", it is more than perfect and the ending was so good and indescriable (I'm not sure if this word exist). I'm listening to a playlist on youtube called "carpe diem// (a dead poet society playlist)" -I don't like the first song and probably most of this playlist, but the end is good- and honestly I probably fell in love with this trend of "Dark Academia" , I think I always loved that ... I don't know how to describe it, aesthetic maybe? Oh yes, I should get back to the start of this letter and what I meant. No one is good for you, no one you have ever met (in reality). I wanted to write another letter about how I didn't mean everything I meant and mom is actually worse, because she can't even care for one of her children, not five (six). Sometimes I thing she doesn't have priorities straight. She is not able to care of three, in future five children. When dad dies, it will be catastrophic, maybe even the end of your free life with silence, enough money, time, calm,.... She is everything you should not ever be. You know, dad is sometimes even right about her. Her kids are never gonna have what I have right now, financially stable ground, to be able to study college, to have support, to be able to travel (even if it's in this country)... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear myself, forgive me, but I have no clue when I wrote the beginning of this letter, right now is Sunday afternoon, October 31st and I'm listening to *Japan with you* by Flossie. Today I watched last episode of anime I watched, called Banana Fish. The ending is beautiful and tragic of course. It's about a beautiful but dangerous boy Ash with tragic, sad and unforgettable childhood/history. He meets a boy Eiji, who seems to be the opposite of him, sweet, innocent... The built a beautiful and strong friendship,..... If you don't remember watch it. I'm not gonna lie, I kinda forgot about you. I'm going to attend a competition in English, so with me luck. Isn't it funny? You already know I failed. I'm just so tired of everything. I played chess after a very long time, my grades are not bad, but I'm lazy and I hate myself for it, I always did. Hello, here I am again. This the last text from your 13yo-self. Not because I'm not gonna write letters to you anymore, but because I have birthday tomorrow. I read like three last lines and I was wrong, I didn't lose, I gave up a week before competition. I felt overwhelmed, I had so many exams, new furniture, cleaning and Hi, again Hello,.... again. It's 9th of January..... 2022 and I love you. I feel great right now, I'm listening to ,,Mystery of Love!" by Sufjan Stevens and I just feel good about myself. I bought keyboard (it was delivered on dad's birthday December 28th, 2021) and I'm learning ,,I love you" by Riopy. I'm not perfect yet, but I love it, it's advanced song and I read that people are advanced at piano after 6 months, but I believe in myself and I can do it. I gave myself 6 months - till the end of this school year- and even if it's not going to be perfect, it's going to be something. ( Btw, I relized +- when I wrote the first part -> September I guess). And also I'm 14 (in 8th grade if you forgot) and in stress, because of overthinking about high school. As you know I'm often too ambitious and I regret it sometimes, so naturally I fear that I'm not good enough, because it's great school and a lot of people don't get there. I probably won't. 24/2/2022 Hayo, just remembered rn that it's been two years of global pandemic and also it looks like there's gonna be WW3 and then here I am listening to Eurovision Norway song. Honestly I think you died already, at least 28/4/2022 I hate the "Dear Evan Henson" movie. It sucks. Connor is only mentioned few times and its so impersonal about him. We as viewers don't get to know him at all and we don't know anything about him, except that he was angry sad teenager who ****** himself. We don't even get to know about Miguel or how it all was for him 21/5/2022 Holly ****!!! I just now realized that someone actually likes me. I mean, I knew it, but I didn't think about it. Today is saturday 21st and I feel great. There's only a month left till the end f school year and idk nothing's horrible at the moment. Well, you still don't know the context - on wednesday me and my best friend Veronika spent all afternoon (and evening) together - eating ice-cream, doing some paper for history, talking and playing board/card games- after that I went home and later she texted me that she wanted me to kiss her...... - 1/6 we didn't btw and that's okay 1/6/22 Oh **** sorry, I totally forgot to tell you that my mom got married (7/5). I like him a lot, he cooks more than well, he's funny, nice and he makes me feel loved, like I was his child. It feels great, but we only spend Sundays together, because my father is racist and he's not white christian. 15/7-early morning 16/7/22 Hi!!! Alex's here. Yeah, I'm not sure if you still use this name (at least online), but I do and I'm happy about it. Last two weeks I was kinda happy. I made some new friend on Discord - they are all queer and really lovely people. They were the first to know you are not cishet. Some people knew you are not straight, but only they, your best friend and your other friend know. For now at least. I plan on telling my future classmates, but only if I will consider them worthy. You are still struggling, althrouh less, but I'm very proud of you. You deserve happiness < 3. You are not too young or too old. You are You, just as you should be. Please ignore my negative letters you received/will receive. I won't delete them, because they are part of who you are and describe your feelings and that's absolutely okay. -the beginning of this letter was written almost a year ago, how is this possible, "japan with you" is great < 3- I promise that I will at least try not to have too big expectation. I'm okay with anything and I'm I truly happy to know you. I love you more than anyone, hope you are still alive. If not, sleep well and have sweet dreams < 3 - Love, Dian/Alex