A letter from Jul 12, 2022

dear mei, you still don't check your email as often as you should, do you? of course, your name isn't actually mei, but it feels quite nice knowing that not many people online know your real name. heh, i'll have you know that your boyfriend's turning 15 on friday, july 15th! i'm still shaking though, it's going to be our 2nd meet-up since alex's birthday. well, the meet-up took place a day before his actual birthday... your grades these past two years are.. below average. i know you've had a hard time since your mental health also downgraded. you've also attempted suicide before. you've cut yourself so many times. you've starved yourself almost everyday. also, i've been having an existential crisis these days. i play this game called project sekai, and one character, mafuyu, stuck with me. maybe it's because i relate to her? putting on a happy-go-lucky facade, being nice as you can possibly be... but deep inside, you feel nothing. everything is meaningless to you. everything in life seems to have no value -- relationships, emotions, and even life itself. you'd do anything to achieve your goals. and even though you still consider other's feelings when you make decisions, your 'true self' tells you that you needn't worry about such things, because at the end of the day, you only have yourself. maybe you, the future me, would be able to do things without your emotions hindering you. and yet... you're still here. we're still here, living a mundane life. i know, deep **** at 13. i don't know either. you're probably still confused whether or not should you take architecture. if not that, please choose fine arts or music. anything in line with your interests and talents. by the time you've read this, you're probably 18. there's no guarantee that your boyfriend would still be with you right now. i'm scared to lose kennz, you know? i just wish you're living a normal, uneventful life. i hope you do well at school. i'm sure until now, you'd still be one to avoid social interaction. even so, don't think about ending it all. ironic, isn't it? words like these coming from your suicidal self... - mei, 13