I didn't even see it coming

Dear Future Alana, I'm writing to you because i don't have an old friend to talk to today. Clay and I were together lastnight. We lay all but naked on my loft. He wanted to do things i'd never done and i'd pull his hand away or say "stop--just not right now"--but he kept trying and eventually i just let him. I told him he could touch but i didn't want him to look. He said "don't be shy, don't be embaressed--I want to help you be comfortable with yourself." i had asked him before we did anything if he will regret it later--he said no. he put his hands down my pants. I felt him too. Later, he said he had to go so his roommates wouldn't be suspicious. He scrunched up his face and said he felt guilty and he hoped i felt guilty too. I said i've never been with a guy who didn't feel guilty. I told him i didn't want him to leave because i'd be alone. "look--maybe i should explain to you where i stand on these things" "no no i understand--" i interrupted. "I'm a christian and--" he continued. I wondered if he knew what a hypocrite he was making of himself saying that. "look, i've been here before. I understand." I said to him. This was all too familiar from dave. He fumbled around for his clothes. "are you ok?" he asked, halfway out the door. "yeah." Maybe it was too much too fast. I guess we went psysically where we weren't emotionally. He called me Mary.