Loving Words -June 27th, 2022

It is now our 4th letter to each other, presentations have long been made. I continue to write to you as each and every time I have received a letter from a previous 'us', I felt them as a smaller, tiny part of me that's gone fully independent and went headstrong into pouring their small hopes, great fears and calm routine days into physical memory we can then revisit. So that will be our fourth round now, hoping you are still there to receive this in time. Presently, it's a little over a year since I missed my chance to completely change my life for the better. The famous 6-39 that haunts me regularly, and rarely ever lets me go when I am in an especially uncomfortable headspace. And yet, we did maintain hope, determination and discipline through our time at the awful, underpaid, undervalued banking job we had for a whole trimester. Still can't believe we actually were paid so little, used so few of our actual mental resources, endured an hour commute one way daily and for it only to end up with the 'promotion' being refused. No excuses given. So we did the one sensible thing, far from thinking it would be underneath us: we put ourselves on sick leave for the rest of the contract and quit the month right after. I can proudly say, despite the numerous financial difficulties we had afterwards, that every moment I look back at what we did, and our reaction, I can only smile in awe and at the courage it took us. To realise that we studied for three whole years including one in the U.K., and worked a whole year abroad in environments only the 'top' and a handful of lucky few will ever experience, for all that we deserved and were capable of so much more. And yet, my current situation is far from the very regular 'come back in Lux and make 3k a month' weekly comment Delilah would use to bring me back to Europe during my six-month-long visit in H.K... what I still consider to be my happiest time. Jobless since mid-February, applied to hundreds of positions completely in my real of skills, and only two have matched: (1) House of Commerce, which I royally ****** up back in March when to the question 'Where do you see yourself in 5 years?' I stupidly answered, although mostly out of hope of manifestation, 'To have completed my Master's degree in Singapore and take a highly-managerial position'. Yeah, no. Hopeful but not realistic (and we both know realism is dull and hard to face.) (2) F.I., the true dream job in terms of benefits, responsibilities and future opportunities. Three successful interviews, including with the top guy, a whole 2k words written assessment and add to that... +120 days and ✴ nothing yet ✴. Indebted to Mom at about 500e and to Dad, unknowingly for now, at 1200e... , not counting however much they must have spent on me since birth, I am not sure what is next. This feels like a stop, almost dead end-ish on my path of self-discovery (which started all too late) , independence and outwardly journeys. All the while Mom and RV have been happily married for a total of 1 (one) day, Shoshana is securing her future by enduring a sales job in Geric (god, remember how I felt like crying when I saw her coming out of the car, dressed with a light blue pair of jeans, colourful nike and a bright mauve t-shirt? All could have been so different had I made the right choice then.) So yeah, I am the only one stuck really, almost as always. Covid last year was the perfect excuse to use, but what now? Everything everywhere is always ever so gently moving. Forever. And me, solely, am momentarily still in what feels infinite. That's 675 words, let's make it under 1015, yeah? First, a few music reminders (not that you need it as our playlists have always been so rich, especially *fox* *infinity* *fox* foxing ) to lighten the mood up. -Angel Olsen, New Love Cassette 📼 -Sunbeam Sound Machine, In Your Arms 💞 -Gold Celeste, Grand New Spin 🎡 -Far Caspian, A Dream of You 💐 -Melody's Echo Chamber, Personal Message 🔮 -Sam Mehran, Cold Brew 🥤 -Beach House, Runaway (for you) -Psy, Gentleman (for sister) -Kings of Leon, Use Somebody (for mom) Now, onto you. 36 months ahead. Almost 28 years old, ew. wow. old huh? I hope you haven't fully settled and that you haven't been reeled into other people's centre of gravity, I am not sure you would be fully happy and that your ambitions have been wholly reached. So, if you did settle down, I hope it will have been with a person who makes you the best version of yourself and calms that eerie voice of doubt saying you can find better. Work wise I am not too worried. Whether you go do marketing, asset management, or wherever, you fit easily in almost every type of environment. All I hope is the money you get from said work allows you to enrich your life and those of your loved ones around you. I will pass on any mention of you living abroad, having newly studied abroad or worked abroad. It seems I missed that chance for the both of us. I am sorry. And finally, I hope your close family is loved and loving, happy and physically well. That is the best I can wish them. Joy, love and good health. Those beautiful words of love, worries and longing come straight to you from that sunny, early night where Mom did mushroom and lard white cream, fuzzili and fried whitefish. RV and she just finished watching this propaganda-esque movie 'American Sniper' and greeted Fethi as he brought Shoshana home. On this, I say: Stay out of your comfort zone, safely in your great ambitions. I was right with you all this time and I will be right here. Always.