Ghost of Hannukahs Past

Dear FutureMe, Have we sorted out the self-esteem thing yet? I couldn't believe there actually exists a person who completely and sincerely believes that he is an okay dude, and that other people's problems with him are just that: their problems. I know there are more like him somewhere. Remember, self, we need to keep a list. We need to stay close to Ben, always take risks even when it's very likely the situation will turn out awkward, because... you know, the thing, about how even if it sucks you'll be proud of yourself for going for it. And all that. Oh, and that reminds me: don't be quite so afraid of being cliche. Trust people to see that you are a good person, me, and not just because of your self-conscious look-at-me quirks. Either expect more of other people or expect less of yourself -- and try to deal with your assumption that you have to better than everyone else, and if you're not, then you're worse. At the same time, though, don't become complacent. If you already are, remember how much that used to frighten you. Us. Keep looking for something huge, because you know it's got to be huge. Have we been in a relationship yet? Are we in one right now? Have we gained the vaguest understanding of what a relationship entails? Or are we still sort of in the dark, but dreaming? Are we getting better admitting when we're wrong? Remember how that was one of the rules in our agreement? Are we less touchy about the idea that girls are allowed to be feminine, or maybe should I just ask if we're still ashamed of ourself for wanting to be pretty? (Ummm... *are* we pretty? Have we lost any weight? I really think college is the perfect place, just bcause there's not always snacky-food around. Of course, it would help to exercise, but that's not exactly a likely goal, is it?) Just between us, are we getting any action? (Is it strictly vanilla, or is there some really fun stuff mixed in there, too?) I don't know... right now, despite all of the problems, stuff is going pretty well. I'm dealing with the idea that two girls, rather than four guys, might actually be my core group of friends. I'm still discovering new perversions I have, but I'm dealing -- either coming to understand that they're normal, or at least coming to grips with the stuff that isn't and just letting it alone, as I deem appropriate. If you're sad when you get this, remember that it's never too late. Remember that people care about you, and that you are, despite the awkwardness, funny. And sometimes you're cute, believe it or not. I hope you do. As you may recall, *I* don't. Not yet, I mean. It's not enough to play music everyone else hates if you apologize when they come in and tease you about it. And even if you don't apologize, it still won't be enough until you're truly unashamed. If you're going to be bold, get some follow-through. And if people aren't going to like you anyway, give them a fucking reason. Be bold and obnoxious, not just quiet and forgettable. If nothign else, be disconcertingly honest. I know that makes us happy; it's one of the few times we can really feel proud of ourself. Get good at poker. Maybe learn chess. become familiar with comic books... I hope we've done some of this already. How's programming going? I hope it's full of adorable nerdy guys. Funth. Stop saying to yourself "jesus, I can't believe I wrote this," and go write a poem. Or a response! (Futureme.org, if you don't recall.) Get and keep your own opinions. You'll know something's not really your opinion if you can't defend it to other people. Don't be held accountable for other people's bad judgement. You have good judgement, and the wisdom to hear out alternatives. And you better hope you're still cool with Ben, or I'm-a get me a phone booth to the future and open up a modestly-sized can of whoopass on you, girl. Claire, remember that I love you. It's hard for me, and sometimes I doubt my love, but it's something I can't help. I love and accept you. Try to do the same.