A letter from Jun 15, 2022

Dear FutureMe, This is 15-year-old me/you from freshman year, I am currently in my french class sitting on the floor writing this instead of doing the work I'm supposed to be doing, oh well though. I do great in school anyways. I lost many of my friends recently; Layla, Kai, Jet, Skye, and Esmee. Well, I never really liked Esmee anyways, she's quite homophobic, but whatever. Am I still talking to my ex? are we dating him again? please tell me we aren't, he's not good for you, he's a walking red flag. I'm only friends with him at the moment, he has a girlfriend who was one of my old friends, I KNOW, HUGGEE violation of the ''girl code'' but whatever I hate her anyway. IT'S MOMS BIRTHDAY WHEN YOU ARE READING THIS LETTER. GO. WISH. HER. HAPPY. BIRTHDAY. Am I still seemingly a ghost to everyone? right now I just float around talking to nobody, all my friends are online because I struggle with human interactions and emotions. I seem to often not know how people are feeling and get too tired and depressed to care in the first place which makes me look bad cause it looks like I don't care about them. Truth is, I don't think I have the mental capacity or energy to reply to messages or have ''meaningful conversations and interactions''. I often find myself zoning out when other people rant about their problems. Did we finally label our ********* and gender? Are we transgender? or was that just self-doubt and gender envy? Did we finally figure out what label we are in, in the Asexual spectrum? Did we find a label for our queer romantic feelings? (currently, I'm sticking with panromantic but I don't know- it just seems wrong, off. ya know?) Since this letter is for 3 years in advance, I'm graduating high school when I read this! How was the graduation? Did we finally figure out what the hell we are doing with our life? What's our major? Are we going to college or university? Is our college or university near home? How are mom and dad? Did our grandparents die? did any relative near us die? Did we finally go to our first funeral? I haven't yet but I assume in 3 years we might with all these illnesses and crimes happening. TW: SH How are we... doing.. mentally? Did we stop? please tell me we stopped, I hate this. Did we find the reason why we do it? Did we get help? are we talking to a therapist? did we get diagnosed with anything? Do we have severe anxiety like grandma? Do we have depersonalization disorder? or we're we never diagnosed? END OF TW How's our low iron? How's our brother? How's our half-sister? is she finally talking to dad again? did she get engaged or have a kid? is she pregnant? I hope she is pregnant soon, I want to meet her boyfriend but I also wanna be an aunt. i don't know what i am, im sorry if this letter is really long i have a lot to ask you, because i don't know what's going on with me. i don't know who i am, what i like, how to describe my feelings, i just want to be okay. i hope i am in the future.