A letter from Jun 14, 2022

Guy Heavy: Ya-da-da-da-da-da- It is good day to be not dead! Engineer: POW! You are dead! Heavy: I am dead! Engineer: Chuckling, while spy is doing the conga towards the scene (The Engineer says aw, shucks” as the Spy gets close.) Spy: Oh! The Heavy is dead! Heavy: Yes (Sandwich). I am dead! Spy: Why is the Heavy dead?! Engineer: I dunno. Heavy: I think it was- Engineer & Spy: Shhh, you are dead! Heavy: Ok. (Sniper enters scene exiting van) Sniper: What's up, you *******?! Who’s up for a- AH! What the- bloody hell just happened?! Engineer & Spy: The Heavy is dead! (A, B, C, or D game starts) Sniper: The Heavy is dead! Spy: Correct! (Option A lights up and celebration music starts playing) Spy: So, did you see the ********? Engineer and Sniper: Nah, sorry mate. Spy: Slams hand on desk I will find him, I will capture him, and no one will ever die again! (Engineer and Sniper applause) Sniper: Ah, well that's nice. Engineer: I am **** proud right now. (Soldier appears in scene) Soldier: Atteeeeeeeeention! (Soldier rushes to dead Heavy) Soldier: That Heavy is dead! Spy: We know! Soldier: Who ****** him?! Spy: We don’t know! Soldier: I will find clues! (Soldier searches through pile of stuff while sniffing) Soldier: What's that? Grabs *** A weapon?! That thing is why the Heavy is dead! Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: The Heavy is dead?! Soldier: Slams hands on desk Yes, (Intense background appears) he died! Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: All shocked (Intense background stops, showing the Engineer, Sniper, and Spy standing in front of a green screen) Medic: (From far away) Incoming! (Ambulance crashes Soldier into a building wall, ******* him.) Medic: Exits out of Ambulance Raus, raus! Pushes Engineer, Sniper, and Spy away from Heavy Move now! Kisses Heavy on head (Heavenly music sounds while the light focuses on Heavy) Heavy: (Rising in air) Hohoho, Hea- Explodes Oof. Medic: In my medical opinion, that Heavy is dead! (Camera rotates to Sniper) Sniper: Doc, what happened? Medic: My professional opinion? Slams hands on desk then turns to the right (Intense background comes in) The Heavy was ******! (Intense background stops) Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: Panicking Medic: I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Spy: Well, now what? (Scout entering while doing the conga in the background) Scout: Clipidy clop mother****er! Boom! Spy: *Says “Oh, come on.” before Scout says boom. Scout: Look at this! The freaking Heavy is dead! Pause What do you think of that? Pause Ahm… Spy: Yes, yes, Scout. Scout: Yea? Spy: Go home! (Scout’s mother appears in a car telling Scout to get in) Scout: Ah come on! Pffff! Freaking unbelievable seriously, you all suck. (Car drives off and crashing noise is heard) Scout: Screams of pain Spy: Ok, let’s get back to the point. Heavy: Poking at his dead body I think Heavy is dead. Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Medic: The Heavy is dead?! Medic: Turns around and notices dead scout in burning car Scout! I will heal you- Car explodes and camera goes back to Heavy Heavy: Oh, Seriously?! Who ****** Heavy?! (Camera shows on Demoman drinking Scrumpy) Demoman: Slurp Slurp It was me! Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Heavy: Shocked Demoman: Yes! Bottle of Scrumpy slides up Demoman’s body and Demoman eats the bottle I did it like this: Takes out a revolver and shoots Sniper in chest Boom! Demoman flies off from force of revolver blast Sniper: Screams of pain Demoman: Woop dee doo! Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Are terrified seeing Sniper’s dead body Demoman: Burps That’s a joke, lads. Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Starts laughing like crazy Demoman: Slurp Slurp Burp It was… yo-... Burp Points at Engineer Him! Engineer: Shocked How did you know?! Demoman: I didn’t. Burps That was a joke too. (Camera moves to Engineer, as the Demoman keeps drinking faster) Demoman: Falls on ground Oh, I’m dead. Engineer: Manic laughter That’s right! It was me! Spy: You monster! Heavy: But whyyyyy? Engineer: Cause you’re fat, boy. And another thing, you’re ugly. Heavy: Engineer, stop! Engineer and Heavy: Arguing Spy: Shrugs (Text appears saying : IT’S TRADITION) Engineer: Ah dammit Heavy ** off! You are dead. Heavy: No u, POW! Haha. (Engineer falls dead on floor) Heavy: You are dead! Not big surprise. Spy: Well that was idiotic. Off to hang myself! Spy doing flip on noose Watch and lea- Choking noises Heavy: I am alive! Is nice. Yes, this is stupid. from, dean