A letter from Jun 12, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I sent this to future us in one year but sending it to future me 2-5 years as well so this is year 4: I wish you could reply to me now but idk what I’m doing… it’s Saturday night at 11:30pm on June 11, 2022. I just went to jail a couple weeks ago for the OWI, court this coming Thursday, no job, no car, single 22 year old still at their parents house… nowhere near in touch with God, our ex Londyn’s about 2 months & a week pregnant & I’m about to get a $5k loan so I can get a car so I can get a job but I still owe mom & dad bout $1100 and whatever the court makes me pay… I have no friends I like because I don’t like who I am & I’m a reflection of them but it’s so hard to be alone again… I ran out of motivation for anything but have somehow still managed to post a TikTok every day for awhile now but followers have stayed the same or dropped for the last 3-6 months so not getting very far… I’ve never been on anti-depressants or ADHD pills but also never been to a doctor to even be diagnosed or at least talk with them cuz if I have anything that’s just another thing wrong… idk if I keep trying jobs & stay here or go in the air force to escape everything & start over/become someone that I want to be but it’s scary to sign away 4 years of your life especially if the kid’s ***** be here in January… idk what to do man I just wanna give up… mom, dad, and Marissa are the only reason I’m still alive. I’ve failed my parents, my sister, and myself or “you”. While you’re reading this I hope you’re in a better spot than me right now but if ur not I just hope mom, dad, and Marissa are still alive so u keep trying… I’m sorry I didn’t give you anything to work with & only made things that much worse & that much harder for you from here on out. I’m trying so hard to make a switch but since the hotel fired me (happiest I ever was) even little things I want to do like skating, eating, or playing video games I can’t get myself to do so imagine a ****** job or whatever I’m “supposed to do”… idk man. I always thought I was meant for more because of how I think about things but it’s just failure after failure & I know u only really fail when u quit but at least then I can stop trying… I was suicidal after the OWI & all that stuff but once she told me about the baby it pushed me so far under that I don’t even wanna die cuz I just stopped caring about it/myself. My mind has now shifted to expecting the worst 24/7 so at least I don’t get disappointed now & things don’t hurt as bad but it’s now how I want to be… I want to say I love you man but we both know that’s not true right now. Don’t give up please. Keep trying. Things should get better but I can’t promise it cuz I broke that promise to myself once already when I was this low last time… that was because of my first breakup… this one’s just because of life so definitely more real & it hurts way more. I’m really sorry for where we’re at rn bro… Just keep makin people smile & laugh for me. That’s the one thing we’ve never stopped doing & it’s always been all we ever wanted to do so just keep trying & hopefully we’ll be happy soon, I love you man. Don’t give up.❤️ PS: I just had deja vu of this exact moment and this screen & typing this while laying in my bed with just the light on so hopefully that means something good for us. Sincerely, me from the past.