A letter from Jun 08, 2022

Hi. How are you? I hope you're doing ok. I won't lose too much of your time because I'm here to ask you a very specific question because of a very specific scenario that happened a few days ago. As you probably know it was our 23rd birthday last Saturday (happy late birthday btw!) and after lunch we played a game Cat organized where we asked questions about me to see who knew me better. One of the questions was "at what age does Michelle want to have kids?". I was surprised I didn't really know the answer. I think I stopped putting dates and ages on goals when I didn't get married by the time I turned 21. Or when we didn't travel anywhere for years and I was kind of dissapointed because I thought we would've traveled more when I was 18-20. I figured leaning too much on ages hurt me more than it did me any good. I hadn't notice how little I thought about ages until that question during that family game. Years prior I would've answered 22, the age I was saying goodbye to. I looked at my mom and wrote down 26. The same age she was. We were always so close and I'd love for my kid and I to share the same bond. M wrote down 26 too. We were the only ones that answered the same number! Mom and Cat said 27, I think dad wrote 28. It was pretty crazy. My point with this whole story is that you're now that age. You've just turned 27 years old so I'm giving you some extra time if you need it. I really don't want to make you feel bad if you don't have kids yet but I want you to read this and ask yourself why. Are you not economically stable enough? Is Milton still not at a point in his life where he feels ready? Do you lack a bigger home and more space? I understand all of that. But it's exactly where I am now. I just graduated a year ago and I'm starting to work and figure things out, M has been working in real estate for two years and we're coming off a pandemic. I get it. And I completely understand wanting better for our kids because I never had a house of my own. We never had our own room, couldn't afford to eat sushi for many years or paint the living room walls the color we wanted. We know what it's like to see our parents cry because they can't afford to live somewhere else and we remember what it felt like when dad wouldn't pass job interviews. So of course I understand. I'm you, for crying out loud, I know your fears! But I need you to understand that you can't be in the exact same place I'm now. The whole point of graduating college so early and working from a young age is to reach stability sooner and be able to have a family. We can struggle sometimes with money (everybody does from time to time) and we can have our doubts but please don't be stuck. Please tell me we got married and were able to finance the party we wanted, please tell me we moved to a bigger place and tell me we have a kid. I'm sorry if you don't. I'm so sorry if we're not there yet because of health-related problems or if something I can't even imagine right now happened and prevented us from getting there. Right now I'm so scared of giving birth, I try not too think about it too much because it freaks me out! It's so scary to me. The idea of losing control of my body and the possibility of something going wrong terrifies me to the point I wonder if it's worth it. For a while I was really considering giving up the idea of having a kid because of that fear but I don't want to. I really want to have a baby and I know that's more important. I know being a mom will be my dream come true, like it was my mom's. Nowadays I'm taking care of other goals like it was graduating, building my career, traveling alone with M, spending time at home, sharing a room with my sister, being a daughter as much as I can. I know you're still a daughter, but right now it's all I am. I hope you're happy with your baby. I pray that the pregnancy was wonderful, that you loved feeling him/her inside you and that everyone was thrilled! I can't wait to tell my family (and M's) that we'll have a kid. I dream about that so often, the announcement and the waiting for the baby to get here. Preparing, thinking about what he/she'll be like, organizing everything for the long awaited arrival. I hope giving birth wasn't so bad! I suppose it'll hurt and be uncomfortable but I hope you made it through with a sense of humor and a happy heart. If you're a mom, congratulations. I envy you so much. I can't wait to get there and I think about the moment you're living every single day. I ride the bus and listen to music thinking about the day I find out about our baby. Daydreaming about his/her existance and wondering what he/she'll look like. Do they have my eyes or M's? Do they cry all night like I did and is she/he social or shy? Do they like bathing and swimming? What's his/her name? M likes Morena and I don't, I like Miranda. We both like Lisandro. Does she/he only have 1 name like him or more like me? Are our families happy? Do they spoil them a lot? I bet they do. I dream of knowing the answers and being there, meeting my kid, having a conversation with them, looking into their eyes. I'm so jealous if you can. Enjoy them with every inch of your heart knowing that dream finally came true.